It's funny how inherently fickled priorities are, how what you consider important today might be something that you have never even thought of, or even avoided, before. Does that make them less of a priority, if they change, if you know they will change? What are they?

A friend told me that when in doubt, just make sure you are going forward. "To go forward is always the right way...but what is the right way forward?"

But yet again what is forward?

I pondered upon this question - what is forward? Is it winning? Losing and learning? Falling and standing up again? Is it learning? Is it improvement?

I guess this depends on your definition of success. What is success to you? What matters most to you? What do you value the most at this point in time?

To know what you want close to your heart, what you would like to be remembered for, what you stood up for with every single thing that you do - isn's this mere acknowlegement already a way forward?

During a dinner with a friend she told me how she saw a little girl crying infront of a supermarket. She was lost. After a while her dad found her, shoved her off the ground and told her that everything is going to be alright while showing her the way home. She told me how at that point she felt a pang in her heart - she was envious of that little girl. A guiding hand, is that what we miss most as we grew up? Or is it just because we are growing up that we purposely left it behind, so that we would grow up?


I began to ponder.

"I missssssssss Brasil so much! Everything, especially the amosphere with all the friendly and optimistic people, who are never complaining and enfrent life with smiles on their faces no matter the diffuclties they are passing through. The fairytale country where everything is possible. Where every day is a big surprise, and things can change a lot from one moment to another. The land where people throw away their watches and live, party and take advantage of life, loving their close ones, like there might be no tomorrow, after all we never know whether we´ll be there tomorrow.... The country where you need no sleep, living on adrealine."

"...having the feeling that things have to be productive and otherwise they dont value anything is a disease of the western society I guess"

Well said, friend.

She was sitting across from him
The table deorated with flickering candles -
they smelt like cinnamon-apples and vanila
They reminded her of their early days;
everything was so new
everything was so simple
everything was so easy

She looked at him and asked
She asked something that has been deep inside her
She asked:

"What would we do
if I go home?"

Silence. His eyes dimmed.

"Go home - you mean something for more than a year?"

Silence. Her eyes felt warm.

"Yes."

Silence. They looked away - deep in own thoughts.

They looked away.

Noone knew what to answer,
noone wanted to answer.

The night goes on.

I have been reading through applications for the selection of the new HC year throughout my weekend. Only slightly more than 2 years ago was I in their position, applying for a nerdclub, a decision that I have never regretted even once. It always mesmerizes me how one finds oneself on the other end, to be able to see things not from that side but from here. It made you think on another level that you were not used to, pushing you to consciously think about the other side.

Reading through their applications admittedly interested me. Some of their resumés and motivations really do impressed me, while some failed to do the same. As I sit here sipping my tea, I began to wonder about my own application. What did I write? What did they think of it? Am I living up to it, did the words stayed fluffy yet empty? I began to think of where I was, where I am.

I was so naïve.

Lately I have been thinking alot of what is coming ahead, the choices that stands, ready to be made. Time seemed so short. The implications of the options, the steps and outcomes baffled me. The diversity overwhelming. I guess I forgot to think back to that girl 2 years ago who wrote her application, a little step that she did not realize would bring her here. She forgot to realize how far she's gone since.

I know that the choices I will soon have to make will not set my life in concrete, but I acknowledge the direction it will lead to an extent. Which direction would I like it to be? I tried finding my application, curious of what I wrote back then. Hoping to cheat from past-her to help future-her. I couldn't find it.

Will I know?

One would desire making something out of one's life - what that something is another matter altogether.