RTM or JKT?

I realized I’ve been in Holland for 6 months-ish now, and never once I formally compare the lifestyle change from Indonesia. Figure never a better time than now. So here goes: I like my life here in Holland. I can’t really compare it, they’re all too different. Here, I feel free. They don’t judge you as much. They look at you for who you are, and they take that as given. Back home, I feel sometimes they look through you, veiled by what you have and what they don’t like about you.

As I went to a rather materialistic, Christian highschool, I think they consider me as a slut. I have to say it, I like partying. I love going out with my friends, dancing all night long and making a fool of yourselves, occasionally with booze. OK, more than occasionally. But what the heck. Life’s too short to do things you don’t love. And that’s exactly what I feel now, happy. I can do whatever makes me happy, not what makes them happy.

Seriously, though, I’m like a Virgin Mary here.

Conversely, I like learning. I love knowing new stuff, either academically or personally. I used to think that education is limited solely from books. I have never been so wrong. And I am never been as grateful for being able to learn new things everyday now. Little things, those little wonders that enlighten you in ways you can never imagine.

The people here are great. It’s so diverse, it’s beyond interesting. It is amusing. Sometimes I find strangers, or in translation people I don’t hang out that often, to be the ones that you can talk to better. I recently met this person (ok, guy, but not in that way). I have never been formally introduced to him, nor did we exchange names or details. But when I talk to him, it feels like I’ve known him forever. It’s weird. Intriguing.

I also love how challenged I feel now. I mean, my course is so bloody intensive. We finished 1 book for a whole year in highschool. We are demanded to know the inside out of 2 thick books every 2 months. That’s bloody 10 (with 2 months Summer break) in a year. Kinda makes you shiver, the thought of shoving all those things into your brain. Makes you wonder if it’ll do any permanent damage or something.

Like I said, I love learning. But I also adore balance. I like my life to be in balance; I party, I study. I save now, I consume later. I flirt, I have TV dinner alone. I exercise, I eat. At times, most of the times, they don’t really balance. The task is then to somehow make them balance.

And so far I admit I haven’t find the right motivation to balance them (like externalities, the negative is oversupplied relative to the positive).

And eventhough I have no complaints on my life now, I miss being home. I miss the other life. I miss the convenience, the security, the ease. I miss the knowledge and feeling of being home. Just home.

I guess everything has their own pros and cons. And I can’t, not now not later in the future, decide precisely which I prefer. It might sound selfish, but I want both. I enjoy the pros of both too much.

So there you have it, in conclusion, it’s a tie. Having said that, I don’t think you can feel about other countries the way you feel towards your hometown. Yet it’s enriching to experience the diversities others have to offer.

Exam Week

Yes it's exam week again. I was literally growing algae from boredom and too much studying. So I decided to shop for food. Like alot of food. Since I'm still saving for Summer, I haven't bought that much snack for a month now. Until today. Highlight of the day:

D: "Dude I just shifted the IS and AD curve of Albert Heijn to the right from my sudden exogenous consumption."

E: "Well, I hope your LM also shifted to the right, or you'll be in trouble."

I read her text and couldnt help smiling. It's such a funny reference. A moment later I wrote:

D: "I want to bomb my budget curve."

Valentine's :)

Because we deserve the best and wont settle for less! :p

Happy Early Valentine's!

I dont know how I can constantly humiliate myself. This morning, while waiting for my tram, I was talking to this guy. At one point, I exclamated that it's so awesome there's a prickle of sun (after DAYS of endless rain and snow and hail and darkness) especially today, Valentine's.

He looked at me, clearly puzzled. But today is not Valentine's, he said. I looked at him like he's doing drugs. Of course it is! My friend invited me to attend her Salsa Valentine's Party tonight at the Rotterdam Airport. He looked at me like I'm an idiot, reached into his pocket and produced a phone.

Friday, February 13th.

I looked at him and did what we girls are so good in doing, talk about the weather and changed the subject.

Thing is, I actually brought some heart lollies for my friends today. Thought it would be nice, since we're having exams (bloody again) in 1 and a half weeks. So I decided to eat 1 on my way to school. I was looking outside the window while sucking it, it's awesome. It's like sweet and sour and 100% awesome!!! I was thinking of buying more to supply in my room for rainy days when I realized the guy was looking at me like I have 'Retard' written on my forehead.

I just realized that day I put my hair into 2 pigtails. Even I would look in pity when there's a girl with pigtails sucking a lolli in the tram.

Oh my word. Kill me. Kill me now.

In the tutorial, my friend told me that I look like I'm 5.

Note to self: never ever do your hair ever again.

During Maths lecture, due to very early class (NINE!!!), my brain wasnt home yet. So I decided to kill the time by rolling my kboxing bandage. It has somehow the form of rolled tissue paper, and when I'm so close to the end, IT SLIPPED FROM MY FINGERS.

To my horror, I screamed NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO as the bandage unrolled itself down the floor. I bent to pick it up, and when my head emerged from the chairs, I noticed the professor is looking at me.

No what, my dear?

Fuck. Fuck.

Skrew this Denica-no-cursing policy.

At the end of the day, I skipped kboxing class since I was certain today is cursed. And my best friend lost 25 euros, someone pickpocketed her. IN THE LIBRARY. Where have we gone to, people? How can we feel safe when we can't even be safe in the bibliotheek, a sanctuary for education?

Stupid Friday the 13th.

Perfume

Today wasnt a good day. School was incredulously mundane. Went for a lecture, spent the whole 2 hours doodling and scribbling. A tutorial afterwards, head stayed on my arms looking outside the window, at the thin winter leafless trees. Mind jumping from one thought to another, blocking any new information whatsoever.

In the tram home, I sat behind this guy. There was vague perfume smell from him. It reminded me of something, something I couldnt recall. Something sweet. I tried gamely to remember the reference of that smell, that sweet musky smell. It wasn't that easy, considering the fact that I have both the memory and concentration span of a goldfish.

So I just sat there, looking outside, the slow French chanson penetrating my thoughts. The vague scent lingers.

Then it hits me. It was my old Burberry perfume that I stole from my Dad. It was a guy's perfume, but I loved it. I used to go down to my parents' room before I went out just to use his perfume. Then one day I noticed it migrated into my room.

It seems so far, far away, that life of mine.

I couldnt remember clearly. I think my brain only categorizes my memories into 2 piles: now and before. Before is just everything that happened, piled together with no precise time reference.

Who was I, the I in Before?

Who am I?

Is she, the one living in Before, that different from the one living in Now?

Has she changed?

Has she changed for the better?

Or hasn't she?

It feels like now, we are running after one exam to another. A rat race for grades. The I in Now feels weird. Life isnt just about grades. Getting good grades is preferable, surely, but isnt there so much more to life than just words and theories a hundred years old determining who you are by what you get?

I dont know.

The I in Now is confused.

The I in Now is wondering what the I in Before would think.

The I in Now continues staring outside the window. And the sweet musky smell lingers.