The Day After Peace

This movie is absolutely remarkable. To see someone's journey initiated, grew, flourished, floundered, shattered. But perhaps most importantly of all triumphed, all of which started with the simplest idea of hope for peace for a day.

I remember meeting someone last week, he was from Rwanda. I admitted to him that what I know of his continent is of the war and adversities and wrecked havoc. Of guns and bloodshed, of diseases and deaths. Of unnecessary losses in human lives. Of inequality. He smiled at me, and said that his view of his own continent couldnt be more different.

Sure there are areas so dangerous they get uncomfortable just by mentioning its name, but good things, human bondage and hopeful events are taking place each and everyday. Problem is, we on the other side of the world do not get these broadcasted to us. We watch the news everyday and we hear the same old news. Guns havent been able to be silenced long enough for hope to be transmitted and cynics silenced.

Why should we care? We've got food here, shelther, warmth. We are alive, everyone around us seems to be alive and well. There is nothing we can do all the way over here, it's them you need to talk to, them holding the guns and not us. But like what Jeremy said, they want the change already. Them over there cannot do anything about it. It's up to us over here to want that change, to demand that change, to unite for that change.

I think the road to believing in the goodness of people is a slippery one indeed. What you see happening around you everyday may erode, sustain or heighten that believe. It's so easy to be cynical, to be content in the status quo, to believe in the impossible. Or we can believe. We can believe with all our heart that if one man made it possible for a day of peace signed by the Talibans in the Afghanistan to vaccinate 1.4bn children and infants, maybe this can work.

If we can show that it was possible for peace to prevail in a day, perhaps we can now make it 365days when cynics are silenced, where humanity, idealism and absolute altruism conquers.

Rational Man

Was walking to my GBB class this morning when I noticed some people from my class walking on the other direction. I asked where they're heading, and apparently the class was changed! I asked if they're sure, and being me as usual (I'm ALWAYS wrong about these things) I quickly maneuvred and walked with them to the other building.

Well for once I was right. We were just sitting there for 15 minutes when someone told us that the class is happening on the building I was heading at first! I beamed with pride of actually knowing where the class is, before I realized that me too am in the wrong building.

So we made our way back to the original building, and I was talking to this guy for the first time. He asked me where I'm from and we talked about the Dutch vs International students mentality.

"You see, you come from a we-mentality country. We here have an I-mentality. Get it?"

"Yes. But dont you think that you shouldnt take it as a fact, shouldnt you take into account there is another way of thinking about stuff?"

"Yes. But dont you agree that you too should?"

It was a really simple and short morning conversation between two strangers. It got me thinking, though. Maybe I should learn to be less naive, to be less altruistic and resembles what economists always assume humans are: rational men.

Maybe tomorrow

I find it amusing how you can feel utterly satisfied with yourself one day, and mentally exhausted the next. One day, you rejoice all your tasks. On such a day, your mind is clear like the still water on a bright Summer day. Calm, clear, open. Joy and happiness emanating, a flooding feeling that you can only describe as rewarding.

The next day, you wake up feeling like colors have been sucked out from the world. Like bunnies are committing suicide. Or stroopwafels are being banned. Your brain just shuts off, no matter how much you plead, serve, begged, threatened, seduced, tricked. On such a grim day, you open your timetable and realize that shit has gone down. That you've got a shitload of shit coming your way and you need to get your shit together today.

But thats the thing with my shit, it doesnt come on demand. It is tremendously unhandy. On such a grim day, you cannot help but feel like a complete idiot, frustating yourself for not being able to do what you are supposed to do today. It's one of those days when your morning coffee is the sole reason behind your existence, one of those days when you feel the urge to jump on the street, man-handle and bitch slap a person who shows the littlest bit of smile. What is wrong with them, smiling, it's like they're on Prozac. Jeez.

What with all the shit?

I am taking a 3rd yr minor class this block, Game Theory and Business Behavior. Why did I take it? Because I have to work for my extra pts for my honors class. I chose that class because my last Micro teacher was a charming, inspirational and apparently hugely deceiving professor who tricked me into thinking that game theory will be interesting. I feel like a Trix bunny being tricked by colorful pieces of Trixes, only to be caged and sold as a slave to Arabian countries.

Of course, I am being a complete ass right now. For what it's worth, that minor is actually interesting (at times). It's very complicated, and there's a very high probablity of me failing it, but I have to admit I enjoy it at times. Not today, but most of the time. I find it very intelectual, which probably is the reason why I am not supposed to be in it in the first place.

And being a 3rd yr minor, students who take it usually do not have any other class but that. It is a full time course, but on top of that I happen to have my regular 2nd yr courses to adhere to. Usually it's alright, like I said, when my mind is clear I do like the adrenaline rush of deadlines, juggling and biking all over the place. Right now it makes me feel like a dog being walked. At one point you just feel so tired of running, but someone kept on pulling your collar and you cant stop no matter how much you want to.

At days like this I am glad I have you people who tell me to turn on the TV and open the way to obesity. To calm me down, to talk me out of my frustrations, to clear my mind, to let me know tomorrow's another day. To remind me to be a Denica (yes that is the term she used :) I thought it was very sweet). Another day where bunnies dont make themselves into tostis and you can buy a perfectly warm and gooey stroopwafels for 1euro.

Because those days are the ones that matter.

"The question is not whether we will die, it is how we will live "

I believe it is human nature to search for answers. To justify an event, clarify an issue, decode things we are oblivious of. To know, understand, learn, realize, acknowledge. An aversion towards the unknown, enhancing the information available in order to minimize information assymetry. See, I believe most of us are risk averse. We do not typically find pleasure in uncertainty. We would rather pay a premium of information search to enhance that certainty. That blissful, certain certainty.

But to what point is this beneficial? When does analyzing a piece of information becomes over-analyzing it? Do we know where the line is?

I, by all means, think too much. This is a fact that I acknowledge, but not necessarily classify as a benefit or an expense. I search for answers, relationships, deeper meanings and often found infinite possibilities. Possibilities that sometimes only exist in my mind. Meanings that cease to exist without my compulsive disorder.

Having said that, I tried, am trying to think less. It may not be easy, the road towards old habits is slippery. And on numerous occasions I fall back into my fallibilities, sometimes regretfully and most of the times unconsciously.

I thought, perhaps some things are just what it is, you know. It's flat, one-layered beauty that is unique to the moment. It's like you going running to the park, and you see beautiful flower garden. All the colors, all the harmony, all the genuses and species, all the imperfections. That is perfect to that precise moment, and what a shame it would be to peel them to see what lies beneath them.

Most of the times I am wrong, all the time I am trying to be happy. You make mistakes, you say the worst things, but all the time you are trying to be true to yourself.

But at what point does staying true to yourself equals selfishness? When should you stop and think of what you did, what you said, what could you have done better?

Sometimes I think human relationship is like a noncooperative game. You have all 5 ingridients: players, payoffs, actions, information structure and rules/sequence. Most certainly, it is a noncooperative game where information assymetry prevails, when emotions take charge, when human fallibilities is on the center stage. When subjectivity evokes conflict, when you stray even further from that equilibrium, that state of happiness, contentment and peacefulness.

When you always lose, why do you even bother to play the game? Why do you bother to have the slightest consideration of starting the game in the first place?

Is it because you cant help it? Is it love of the game? Is it love at the thought of someday winning the game? Is it the thrill of losing, and learning something for the next game? Is it falling down flat on your face, and having the courage to stand up and bravely move forward? Is it plain stupidity? Ignorance? Inability to pursue a better outcome?

Sometimes I ponder at a list of questions, an infinity of answers, and never knowing when have I crossed the line. How nice it would be to know better.

Sometimes I just take a day off, take a really cold shower and start laughing from the extreme cold and the risk of hypothermia.

Frenchy winter break

I'm thinking of going to France this winter to study French.

I know it's most probably futile, a complete waste of time, money and effort to say the least, seeing that the chances of me living in France, or using French is minimal. But it's just one of those things that you do just because you really want to, you know. Things that you do regardless of the odds.

Things that you dreamt of doing, but always put aside when you rationalize it.

I've always liked, wanted, dreamt, longed to be able to understand, read, speak French. Many would cringe when they hear this. You want to speak French? Why? That god-awful country with those God-awful arrogant people. I always smiled whenever I hear this. I can't tell them why specifically, but I honestly and sincerely think that French is the most beautiful language in the world. To be deprived of such beauty would be a tragedy. To consider such beauty makes it much less rational with every consideration.

Some would even say all this non-sense just to study French? The country is only a train ride away from where you're living and typing this right now. Those some can understand and talk a little French because they had some classes in highschool. I went to an Australian highschool, and as far as I know, Australia has very little to do with the French to adopt the language. Much less to teach it to children in their schools. So for me, it is new and foreign to consider going off to the country and study it.

Another consideration popped into mind when I think of the odds: the expenses. Learning another language is expensive, especially when you learn it in the country. Unfortunately, I do not believe in learning a language outside the country that it is actually used. As a student without a partime job or income whatsoever, I understand how unfair and incredibly selfish it is for me to put this kind of budget on my parents. I talked to them about it this Summer when I went home, and I was taken aback by how supportive they were.

So I think that's it. I am going to stop my brain from trying to talk me out of this and to just go for it. My blood is pumping in excitement, the corners of my lip curved in a perfect smile.

*I would end it with a sweet French phrase, unfortunately I know none just yet. So I think a smile would suffice for the moment, and save the awkward French grammatical mistakes for later.

That unfortunate earthquake

I was listening to the news when I heard of the event, a 7-scale ritcher earthquake struck West Java. It started from the city of Tasik, but the impact rippled to Jakarta and other cities. I quickly texted my family to see if they're alright. Their reply was very light. They were having Chinese food for lunch at Mom's favorite place. When they felt the ground shaking beneath their feet, they did not followed other people who were running out from the mall for safety in screams. No, instead they sat there wondering if the chefs drugged their food.

They seriously suspected Mom's favorite tofu dish to be the culprit, knowing how Mom would definitely order it and distribute it accordingly to the others. I can imagine them sitting there in contemplation of which food was drugged, and why anyone would want to drug them in the first place.

With that image in mind, I turned off the news and biked to school in the rain.

I woke up this morning, turned on the news and here it is. Death toll reaching 57, searches are still being conducted to the buried villages. They expect noone to be alive while they dig and search through the rubbles. At that moment, a pang of seriousness hit me. I just realized the devastating result of the quake when I saw little faces looking straight at the cameras from below rescue tents. The look on their faces wasn't fear, it was blank. Of unawareness, of not understanding what happened, of not knowing the next steps. Those whose houses were shattered have nowhere to go, those whose houses were still intact are too scared to come back.

I heartfully hope help is on the way.

In any case, I know how resilient you are as a country. We survived a series of unfortunate attacks this past few months, from terrorism to natural disasters. Let these tragedies bring us even closer, uniting us as human beings, as citizens of the world.

All my best, all my heart.