PAYDAY

A letter arrived today from the HR department of my university, I curiously ripped through the envelope to find that its main duty was to inform me that my first pay is now sitting comfortably on my bank account.

SAY WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT?!

My pay check is chilling in my bank account, MY FIRST EVER SALARY, WAGES, MONETARY COMPENSATION FOR EFFORT IS HERE!

Even better than Christmas, I'm telling you.

I treated myself to a shitload of food today to compensate the brain cells I killed during teaching. It feels nice, it feels really really nice to know that I'm paying with MY money. Like, M-Y M-O-N-E-Y, BABY!

Am seriously considering upon framing the letter on my wall. But that'd be too pathetic :p So I decided to store it in my special letter case as a token of remembrance. One day when I'm 50 and cant walk without a stick, I'll glance through it and will find a yellowing letter announcing my first paycheck. Not to mention harassing my grandchildren to be as proud as I am right now.

Snip snip

I went to the hairdresser today. Had a tight, demanding weeks which resulted in me contemplating upon booking a flight to Barbados. Not even knowing where Barbados is. Days have been short, weeks passed mercilessly. Running from classes to deadlines to meetings to preparations had its toll on me. Last Friday, I had to hand in a draft for a paper, which I started that morning. The ticking deadline was rough, the fact that I woke up at 7 in the morning to teach did not help in focusing my brain. At one point, I decided to give up on the deadline and told it to skrew itself. Called my TA, and was informed that the implication of my abdomination of my draft reaches beyond myself as my partner would have to assess that draft for our next assignment. Stared back at my empty word screen, wrote a bunch of smileys and nonsense, somehow praying that this is sufficient to make words form itself without me having to write them.

In case you were wondering, Internet, words can not form itself. I know, I was dissapointed too. I thought the introduction of computers would make our lives easier?

So I ended up having another goal in mind - to come up somehow with 1500 words paper on my topic. I did not even know what I typed, I just explained the Kantian view on morality and some about foreign aid, which is what my paper is about. At one point, I was typing without even knowing what I was saying. My eyes were fixated on the word count, heart cheering everytime the number crawls slowly closer to 1500.

15 minutes before the day ends, I received an email from a friend that resulted in me laughing at myself. At that point I realized something was wrong with me. Even more than usual, that is. I laughed while replying, at the same time freaking out because by then I only had 10MINUTES TO PRODUCE 200WORDS.

I submitted the draft at 12:00. No, not a minute more, not a minute less. PRECISELY, ACCURATELY, DEFINITELY AT 12:00! I thought it was really funny, like you know, the feeling you had when you just ducked a bullet.

At that moment I realized what was wrong with me: I was taking things too seriously. Far, far too seriously. It really scared me, how much responsibilities really took control of you. I have never been the one who is responsible, always the slacky retard who is laughing at nothing. A cold hard look at myself revealed that I have once again became a hamster.

A hamster in the sense of being stuck running on the wheel without stopping even for a second to see that THERE IS A FIRE OUTSIDE! Run! Run, hamster, RUN!!! (Previously, I was a hamster for snuggling in bed and eating and snuggling back in bed while munching a secret stack of snack).

A hamster. That's what I have become.

Thus I took the weekend off, finally took the time to go to the hairdresser (overdue by two weeks by now). It was surprisingly refreshing, my hairdresser was the one who profoundly believes in connections. She was jolly, and after our short session was proclaiming herself to be I AM YOUR NEW MOTHER!

Living is about sharing and connecting, she said. What good can you do when you just run here and there without emotions? What good can you bring when you do not take the time to smile and wave and notice the people around you? What good can you bring if you are a robot?

I told her that over the course of the weeks, I am a hamster-robot. A Ham-Bot.

She laughed hysterically and shaked my hair. That is why I am here, to cut your hair, Ham-Bot.

That was why she was there, to cut my hair. Or to cut my Ham-Bot circuits. For no Ham-Bot will I be.

TA-ship

Today was my first day teaching. Yes, my FIRST EVER JOB IN MY WHOLE LIFE! Jeej the excitement! I'm one of them now, those with responsibilities. Woohoo! Despite the excitement of the ilussion of adulhood, I was nervous as hell summing up to this morning. Will they listen to me? Will I be a complete retard? Will I make a fool out of myself? Will I be able to answer their questions? Will they like me?

This morning, on the tram ride to the university, my heart hopped like a bunny with a gun on its head. Jump or die, bunny. I was so nervous! Imagine 25 pairs of eyes fixating on you, focusing on every word you're saying, waiting for a flaw to attack. Eeks!

But it was surprisingly fun. After the first 15 minutes, the class started to loosen up. I started to loosen up. It feels strange to be on the other side of the class, to be the one giving instead of receiving. I feel an immediate responsibility for them, for what they take from the class. I slowly started to enjoy myself, to see how they respond to what I say, to try to make them have as much enjoyment as myself. True, it is only the first tutorial of the block and I have 2 months to go. But I just hope that it only gets better from here :)

PS. Am loving the perks that came with being a TA: office, staff email address, personalized computer settings, free coffee and tea, free copying. Totally worth the heart exercise.

The Vending Machine

My little brother has developed a new prank towards me: The Vending Machine. Starting last week, he has been sending me these Blackberry messages:

Hello.

It's me.

I am the vending machine.

Insert coin.

He repeats that everytime I ask him to tell Mom/Dad something. Insert coin. And he goes on and on about it. I would play along, writing cling to symbolize the sound of coin. Yet he refuses to acknowledge my coin. He would type back: Insert Indonesian coin please. Your coin is not valid. Insert another coin please. On, and on, and on until you want to bang his head against a vending machine, throw coins at him and walk away.

Until this day I do not know what he means when he says insert coin please. Sometimes he would borrow my father's Blackberry just to say hi to me.

Hey there. It's me. THE VENDING MACHINE.

For some strange reason now I crack up whenever he does it. Probably because he does it during the moments that I'm stressing about something. I would smile and thought of how lovely it is to be simple-minded siblings.

Falling snowflakes
Thickening white streets

Did you know that each snowflakes is different?

I feel that I've known you for years
At the same time realizing I don't know anything about you

Not even a last name
Not a thing

I wanted time to stand still,
for it to stop ticking

But I couldn't

So thank you
for the wonderful time

Until then,
Snowflakes will fall
melt, dissapear

But I guess that's the way the story goes.

2010

Jeej it's 2010. It's scary how once you've settled to the habit of writing 2009, once you've gotten accustomed to it, new habit is demanded. 2009 is now yester-year, and I need to continually remind myself that it's the new year. But yet again, what does a year mean but mere number to navigate our way through time. Although the blatant realization of constant change keeps you on the edge. And I like that, to be aware, to have the need of constant searching and reflections. Time flies, but you can be the pilot.

I am writing this now from Hamburg, Germany. This winter break has been such an amazing experience, something you cannot even dream to experience if you did not take the plunge. We hitchiked here, am living at a stranger's house yet I couldn't dream of doing it any other way. I cannot imagine of a better way to start this new year. Trust, kindness and strangely unexplainable bonds between strangers. A guy told me last night that foreigners are acquintances you are yet to know. I think it's an interesting way to look at things - to feel a connection even before we even dare to speak to each other. Hippy as I can be, the symbolic meaning behind this trip will haunt me for months to come.

Went partying last night, met and talked to genuinely unorthodox yet interesting people, drank abit too much and slept too little. Took a walk in downtown Hamburg with one of the guys from the house and the dog, it was freezing. Yet I kinda enjoyed the stillness of a winter afternoon on the first day of the year, people packing their stands for the overdue christmas market, grandmas feeding the doves on the harbor, the silent trains passing the lake, the unawkward silences we had as each got lost in their own trains of thoughts. Perhaps we're thinking of the same thing, Costa Rica or somewhere warmer. Hot cocoa, glühwein and warm waffels. Or maybe we just didn't think at all.

Moments before I was sitting on the kitchen with our host. He's a caricature artist, a damn good one if I may say. He's been showing us his sketches, he's got books full of em! I gave him my travel mini-diary,telling him he can draw something in it that will remind me of him. The look on his face was similar to an innocent child when told that he can skip dinner for sweets. Seconds after he was busy doodling, I was reading my novel. On the other room, his roomate and her friends were just conversing in German, listening to music and enjoying each other's company. Next to me their dog is snoring soundly, deep in her sleep. I took a second to seep everything in, took a mental picture and continued reading.

It amazes me that we only knew each other for 24hrs, yet the idea of not knowing them seems foreign even to me.

So happy new year to you, Internet. May kindness prevails, happiness conquers and laughter redeems.