I ust got my acceptance mail: I'M GOING TO FRANCE FOR AN EXCHANGE FROM AUG-DEC 2010!! JEEEEEEEEJ :) :) :)
Oui, bitches.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The loveliness of it all
Would you like to know a little secret?
I think flowers makes the world seem much more beautiful than it already is.
You bike hurriedly to school with breakfast on one hand and books on the other. On the pavement near your university, you noticed the grey ground which was covered with snow/ice before has decided to blanket itself with green green grass and friendly wild flowers. I love noticing how those flowers nod, wave, dance along with the wind.
Or the sweet, sweet taste of fresh strawberries from the market.
Spring is here.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
The goodness of vitamins
I woke up today very hopeful on the prospect of actually doing something. Havent done anything this week and since we have a test tomorrow I actually felt like I should be putting my brain to work. So I had breakfast, sat down and realized it's too early and my brain needs coffee after last night. A couple of hrs later I sat down again and managed to open my book. I looked at it, stared at the clock and realized that noone can work without lunch. I mean, brain needs food and oxygen to work right?
Shopping for food is what I then decided to do. Happily cooked, and realized today there's The Hills weekend break on MTV. And just like that 2hrs passed by. I had to force myself to lift up the remote and press the OFF button. It was like my hand has a mind of its own.. And it demands the TV stays on.
Back on the table. Book still opened. Clock ticking. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
I realized I havent had dessert. Surely that's the key! Dessert and I will start working like an elf in a shoe factory! A girl needs dessert! So I went back to get some fresh fruit. I mean, surely fresh fruit would induce enough motivation to read right? It's science or something. I think it's called vitamins.
I am sure I will be majorly ashamed when I read back this post tomorrow.
I guess now the question is: did the vitamins work? Well. It worked pretty well in inducing conspiscuous consumption of COOKIES. I concluded that there is a positive relationship between fruits and cookies which translates to SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME. How the hell did this happen, And here I am sitting down typing, too full to move.
I wasnt kidding when I mentioned that productivity is barely beyond subsistence. Argh.
Shopping for food is what I then decided to do. Happily cooked, and realized today there's The Hills weekend break on MTV. And just like that 2hrs passed by. I had to force myself to lift up the remote and press the OFF button. It was like my hand has a mind of its own.. And it demands the TV stays on.
Back on the table. Book still opened. Clock ticking. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
I realized I havent had dessert. Surely that's the key! Dessert and I will start working like an elf in a shoe factory! A girl needs dessert! So I went back to get some fresh fruit. I mean, surely fresh fruit would induce enough motivation to read right? It's science or something. I think it's called vitamins.
I am sure I will be majorly ashamed when I read back this post tomorrow.
I guess now the question is: did the vitamins work? Well. It worked pretty well in inducing conspiscuous consumption of COOKIES. I concluded that there is a positive relationship between fruits and cookies which translates to SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME. How the hell did this happen, And here I am sitting down typing, too full to move.
I wasnt kidding when I mentioned that productivity is barely beyond subsistence. Argh.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Happy birthday, Chickadee!
Happy Chickadee Day, sweety :)
20!
Miss you beyond words, and wishing you a good one. Have fun, lots of fun! It's been a year since I last saw you, and I wish to give you your birthday hug before you turn 21 :)
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Berlin...
...was amazing.
We went to Berlin for a weekend, which really was not enough. Some dislikes Berlin, Berlin is messy, dirty. But for some reason I think that is what attracted me the most. We had a crash 3hrs introduction of Berlin history during the walking tour on our first day. Was not a good idea, really. Snow, wind and walking are really not a good match. Nonetheless, it gave us a slightly better idea of how and why Berlin became to what it is today - pretty cool really.
I never knew that much about history. I mean, ask me the years of the World War 1 and I will give you a Google link. But as we were walking through central Berlin, I couldnt help but wonder what it is like for these people before 1989. That is the year the wall was decontructed, in case you are like me. Have you ever seen those movies, where they put scenes from the olden days on the left side and the present day on the right? At one point I felt like I was in one of those movies. We were walking, and I thought to myself who threaded along here before? Who were they? Why were they out? What were they thinking?
To anticipate your question, no I did not smoke anything then.
Another thing I really like about Berlin is that Berlin really has alot of faces. You turn from one alley to another and immediately get the sense of a whole different side of Berlin. And I am not just talking about the clear difference in architecture and feelings between the former east and west. Such a shame that we didnt get to explore the whole city I suppose.
Oh and the food. THAT GLORIOUS GLORIOUS FOOD. It scares me how I start drooling at the thought of those glorious wurst, bread, pretzels... Maybe I should get one of those baby-napkins that you put to prevent drool from damaging your shirt. Girls grew up wanting to live in a gingerbread house or a castle. Clearly they have low expectations. My wish is now to live in a German bakery. My sister told me I'll be a mouse. A HAPPY-BELLY MOUSE! MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUS!
And the nightlife. On our last night, we went to this underground club that played minimal electro music in one of its room. At one point they played Paul and Fritz Kalkbrenner's Sky and Sand. That was it. The lights was off. On. Off. On. I thought of nothing, breathed and blinked. On my right people did the same. On my left some guys started fighting and threw a table. That is a scene I will remember.
We also went to visit some museums: the Holocaust memorial and museum for the murdered Jews, the Jewish museum, and perhaps the most memorable one is the visit to the Stasi Gefangnis. It was the political prison in East Berlin, controlled by the state DDR. We arrived late so the guide had already started the tour. After awhile, I realized that he sometimes used personal pronouns such as "I" and "we". I was curious yet felt impolite to ask. His sentences were short, sometimes too short to fully comprehend.
"... They gave prisoners a bucket, in a cell for 4 people. It was hard for new prisoners. I felt shame."
"In my file it says 'long, vertical forehead', 'short fingers'."
Halfway through the tour he told us that he was arrested for being suspected of attempting to flee from the east to the west.
He put an emphasis on suspected. His sentences remained short, but his tone changed thereafter.
He told us that he couldnt bear living in a country where one cannot freely express what one thought or felt. As we were visiting the former interrogation rooms, he started telling us about these torture methods developed by the DDR. He said the physical torture was bad but the mental torture was even worse. A number of people officially worked for the Stasi, yet the unofficial number is overwhelming. A woman got arrested, and during her interrogation they served her favorite tea as a reminder. Her husband worked for the Stasi, she didnt know. I read some stories on this yet hearing this firsthand was way more intense. It felt real. How would it feel if you cant even trust your husband, your wife, your friends, your family?
Some officers secretly went in your flat when youre not there, rearrange the furniture now and then. They follow you, watch you, listen to you to the point of paranoia.
Who developed these methods, I asked. They are so well thought of.
The psychologists, he answered.
He then told us how he got into a rather heated discussion with an old man in the park last week. The old man thought the Stasi regime was way better than how it is now. Our guide disagreed. The old man retorted: "...well then they forgot to kill you!"
I had goosebumps when I heard this.
That reminded me of something a friend of mine told me before, that some people still consider Stalin to be a hero even if he killed more people than Hitler.
Some things I can never understand.
Yet some things I am glad to know, even when it's hard.
At the end of the tour, he smiled and waved his little fingers.
Just like how I waved my own little fingers to Berlin. Until then.
We went to Berlin for a weekend, which really was not enough. Some dislikes Berlin, Berlin is messy, dirty. But for some reason I think that is what attracted me the most. We had a crash 3hrs introduction of Berlin history during the walking tour on our first day. Was not a good idea, really. Snow, wind and walking are really not a good match. Nonetheless, it gave us a slightly better idea of how and why Berlin became to what it is today - pretty cool really.
I never knew that much about history. I mean, ask me the years of the World War 1 and I will give you a Google link. But as we were walking through central Berlin, I couldnt help but wonder what it is like for these people before 1989. That is the year the wall was decontructed, in case you are like me. Have you ever seen those movies, where they put scenes from the olden days on the left side and the present day on the right? At one point I felt like I was in one of those movies. We were walking, and I thought to myself who threaded along here before? Who were they? Why were they out? What were they thinking?
To anticipate your question, no I did not smoke anything then.
Another thing I really like about Berlin is that Berlin really has alot of faces. You turn from one alley to another and immediately get the sense of a whole different side of Berlin. And I am not just talking about the clear difference in architecture and feelings between the former east and west. Such a shame that we didnt get to explore the whole city I suppose.
Oh and the food. THAT GLORIOUS GLORIOUS FOOD. It scares me how I start drooling at the thought of those glorious wurst, bread, pretzels... Maybe I should get one of those baby-napkins that you put to prevent drool from damaging your shirt. Girls grew up wanting to live in a gingerbread house or a castle. Clearly they have low expectations. My wish is now to live in a German bakery. My sister told me I'll be a mouse. A HAPPY-BELLY MOUSE! MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUS!
And the nightlife. On our last night, we went to this underground club that played minimal electro music in one of its room. At one point they played Paul and Fritz Kalkbrenner's Sky and Sand. That was it. The lights was off. On. Off. On. I thought of nothing, breathed and blinked. On my right people did the same. On my left some guys started fighting and threw a table. That is a scene I will remember.
We also went to visit some museums: the Holocaust memorial and museum for the murdered Jews, the Jewish museum, and perhaps the most memorable one is the visit to the Stasi Gefangnis. It was the political prison in East Berlin, controlled by the state DDR. We arrived late so the guide had already started the tour. After awhile, I realized that he sometimes used personal pronouns such as "I" and "we". I was curious yet felt impolite to ask. His sentences were short, sometimes too short to fully comprehend.
"... They gave prisoners a bucket, in a cell for 4 people. It was hard for new prisoners. I felt shame."
"In my file it says 'long, vertical forehead', 'short fingers'."
Halfway through the tour he told us that he was arrested for being suspected of attempting to flee from the east to the west.
He put an emphasis on suspected. His sentences remained short, but his tone changed thereafter.
He told us that he couldnt bear living in a country where one cannot freely express what one thought or felt. As we were visiting the former interrogation rooms, he started telling us about these torture methods developed by the DDR. He said the physical torture was bad but the mental torture was even worse. A number of people officially worked for the Stasi, yet the unofficial number is overwhelming. A woman got arrested, and during her interrogation they served her favorite tea as a reminder. Her husband worked for the Stasi, she didnt know. I read some stories on this yet hearing this firsthand was way more intense. It felt real. How would it feel if you cant even trust your husband, your wife, your friends, your family?
Some officers secretly went in your flat when youre not there, rearrange the furniture now and then. They follow you, watch you, listen to you to the point of paranoia.
Who developed these methods, I asked. They are so well thought of.
The psychologists, he answered.
He then told us how he got into a rather heated discussion with an old man in the park last week. The old man thought the Stasi regime was way better than how it is now. Our guide disagreed. The old man retorted: "...well then they forgot to kill you!"
I had goosebumps when I heard this.
That reminded me of something a friend of mine told me before, that some people still consider Stalin to be a hero even if he killed more people than Hitler.
Some things I can never understand.
Yet some things I am glad to know, even when it's hard.
At the end of the tour, he smiled and waved his little fingers.
Just like how I waved my own little fingers to Berlin. Until then.
Monday, March 01, 2010
March reflection
Wow March.
After 30days of staring at the same picture, I am usually glad to be able to flip my calendar for a new picture! To trade in the two cartoon giraffes drinking lemonade to a seagull was absolutely cool! I mean, you lift up the calendar page and THERE IS THE SEAGULL FOR THIS MONTH!
Yet at the same time this little excitement is accompanied by a solemn astonishment.
March. Wow.
A friend of mine has to do a personal development report every 6 months for his organization: what have been learnt, what is good, what is bad, what is different, what should be changed, what how and why. Unfortunately my limited goldfish memory does not stretch that long, which is why I specifically intended to write somethings down today before it flew up like a helium bubble in a hot, breezy Summer afternoon.
Yes how I long for Summer and sun. Yesterday there was a storm here in Western Europe. The day I can ditch my jeans for shorts; cant decide to call it liberation or salvation.
On a more solemn mood. If I had to describe these first months of 2010, I'll say... Roller coaster. I think I'll call it so. A roller coaster ride, I like the resemblance. It's incredibly quick, scary, it goes from up to down to up to down at some remarkable speed, yet completely exhilirating. Remember those concise moments, when you are at the highest point and you know seconds later you will start diving down? Remember the feeling, the ticklish feeling in your stomach, the sensation of air being suspended for the briefest period? Next thing you know you're freefalling and in your head all you do is curse yourself WHY DID YOU GET ON THIS ROLLER COASTER YOU FREAKING DODO YOU HATE ROLLER COASTERS.
I do, I am scared of roller coasters and height.
Yet sometimes I am glad I took the ride, for that first 5 minutes when you are back on solid ground and all you want to do is kneel and kiss the ground. Complete gratitude, that's what I usually experience once my trembling jello feet leaves that seat of terror.
Which is what I am feeling at the moment.
I have to admit now that it hasnt always been easy. Life was hectic, to say the least. Juggling between teaching, writing, presenting, reading, studying and friends requires the skillfull art of a clown circus which I clearly did not possess. Not even close. But it has been a learning process, and looking back now I can say that a part of me is simply relieved it's done. Another part is ambivalent; life surely goes fast when you're running. A blur; an aching, demanding, rewarding motion of blur.
Teaching has been absolutely lovely. I am actually rather surprised how much I enjoyed teaching those little monsters. Regardless of waking up to teach at 9 in the morning twice a week, missing two of my own lectures, having to read and learn the course with them. I wanted to help them, perhaps thats why I took it slightly too seriously. I would read the chapter, my notes, going back and forth and asking myself how can I explain this clearly to my students. How can I motivate them to work, how can I make sure they feel comfortable asking questions during class, how to be strict at times yet being myself at other times.
I purposely did not tell my first year students that I was a second year student myself. I thought it added credibility. Yet at the end when they found out my real identity, I am utterly glad they did not become bitches. Maybe because they were bitches from the start. Yet I have to say I truly enjoyed teaching those bitches. They were my bitches.
During our last tutorial, they came up to me one by one and said: "Thank you, Denica." My heart melted like butter in the microwave when baking cakes. That weekend, I received emails from my students. At that moment, everything evaporated. All the burden, all the stressing and fussing and freaking vanished. All that is left was a solemn little smile. It was a nice feeling indeed, the feeling of being able to help and somewhat of use to someone.
Thank you, guys. You've been a good sport. Some moments are honestly funny it still cracks me up when I think about it.
Oh wait. The sun is shining today.
Wow.
Sometimes little things work out in wondrous yet strange ways. I guess there will always be storms, with wind so hard you thought you can surely never make it. Yet remembering that the sun will shine tomorrow might help you through. Slightly. I for once found it sometimes cumbersome, and cliche to think of things this way when I am downhill. I tend to get sucked into it, you see. But it's a learning process. And one day I wish for the ability to be able to see through the mist and straight to the rainbows.
Maybe when I am 20. Which is actually sooner rather than later. Wow. Now, that's scary.
After 30days of staring at the same picture, I am usually glad to be able to flip my calendar for a new picture! To trade in the two cartoon giraffes drinking lemonade to a seagull was absolutely cool! I mean, you lift up the calendar page and THERE IS THE SEAGULL FOR THIS MONTH!
Yet at the same time this little excitement is accompanied by a solemn astonishment.
March. Wow.
A friend of mine has to do a personal development report every 6 months for his organization: what have been learnt, what is good, what is bad, what is different, what should be changed, what how and why. Unfortunately my limited goldfish memory does not stretch that long, which is why I specifically intended to write somethings down today before it flew up like a helium bubble in a hot, breezy Summer afternoon.
Yes how I long for Summer and sun. Yesterday there was a storm here in Western Europe. The day I can ditch my jeans for shorts; cant decide to call it liberation or salvation.
On a more solemn mood. If I had to describe these first months of 2010, I'll say... Roller coaster. I think I'll call it so. A roller coaster ride, I like the resemblance. It's incredibly quick, scary, it goes from up to down to up to down at some remarkable speed, yet completely exhilirating. Remember those concise moments, when you are at the highest point and you know seconds later you will start diving down? Remember the feeling, the ticklish feeling in your stomach, the sensation of air being suspended for the briefest period? Next thing you know you're freefalling and in your head all you do is curse yourself WHY DID YOU GET ON THIS ROLLER COASTER YOU FREAKING DODO YOU HATE ROLLER COASTERS.
I do, I am scared of roller coasters and height.
Yet sometimes I am glad I took the ride, for that first 5 minutes when you are back on solid ground and all you want to do is kneel and kiss the ground. Complete gratitude, that's what I usually experience once my trembling jello feet leaves that seat of terror.
Which is what I am feeling at the moment.
I have to admit now that it hasnt always been easy. Life was hectic, to say the least. Juggling between teaching, writing, presenting, reading, studying and friends requires the skillfull art of a clown circus which I clearly did not possess. Not even close. But it has been a learning process, and looking back now I can say that a part of me is simply relieved it's done. Another part is ambivalent; life surely goes fast when you're running. A blur; an aching, demanding, rewarding motion of blur.
Teaching has been absolutely lovely. I am actually rather surprised how much I enjoyed teaching those little monsters. Regardless of waking up to teach at 9 in the morning twice a week, missing two of my own lectures, having to read and learn the course with them. I wanted to help them, perhaps thats why I took it slightly too seriously. I would read the chapter, my notes, going back and forth and asking myself how can I explain this clearly to my students. How can I motivate them to work, how can I make sure they feel comfortable asking questions during class, how to be strict at times yet being myself at other times.
I purposely did not tell my first year students that I was a second year student myself. I thought it added credibility. Yet at the end when they found out my real identity, I am utterly glad they did not become bitches. Maybe because they were bitches from the start. Yet I have to say I truly enjoyed teaching those bitches. They were my bitches.
During our last tutorial, they came up to me one by one and said: "Thank you, Denica." My heart melted like butter in the microwave when baking cakes. That weekend, I received emails from my students. At that moment, everything evaporated. All the burden, all the stressing and fussing and freaking vanished. All that is left was a solemn little smile. It was a nice feeling indeed, the feeling of being able to help and somewhat of use to someone.
Thank you, guys. You've been a good sport. Some moments are honestly funny it still cracks me up when I think about it.
Oh wait. The sun is shining today.
Wow.
Sometimes little things work out in wondrous yet strange ways. I guess there will always be storms, with wind so hard you thought you can surely never make it. Yet remembering that the sun will shine tomorrow might help you through. Slightly. I for once found it sometimes cumbersome, and cliche to think of things this way when I am downhill. I tend to get sucked into it, you see. But it's a learning process. And one day I wish for the ability to be able to see through the mist and straight to the rainbows.
Maybe when I am 20. Which is actually sooner rather than later. Wow. Now, that's scary.
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