The Long Wait

I hate waiting. I hate to wait in uncertainty. I hate to wait, knowing how devastating the result would be if it turns up bad.

A dillema now, my HSC diploma may not be acceptible to apply for univ in Holland.

They said to send in your application, and we'll see from there. Knowing that I only applied there, this scares me.

Shit. I have to wait for my brother to fly back there to turn in my application. While I sit here in uncertainty and nothing to do.

Maybe I should stop waiting. When you're not waiting, the wait itself seems hell shorter.

But this is my future we're talking about. How can I not be anxious?

Geez.

Merry CHRISTMAS

Angelic choirs in malls. Twinkling lights on colorful trees. Soothing christmas songs in the air. The smell of gingerbread tempting you. When everything seems brighter.

Merry Christmas.

May this christmas brings you another reason to hope.

Eventhough I havent slept well in weeks, and my health is in crappy state, I just hope that I can have a merry little christmas with mi familia. They're all home, after all. That alone is another thing to be grateful for :)

Mothers Day (?)

My friend told me it was Mothers Day today. So I asked my brother to do something for Mom today during lunch. We agreed to buy her a flower, make my little brother write her a card, and bring her out to dinner with the whole family (minus big sis) to her fav restaurant tonight.

It was all done in secrecy and occasional whispers along with some english words to prevent Mom from knowing.

Then we secretly signal Dad to come closer.

Me: "Psst.. Dad. Dont say anything, but apparently today is Mothers Day. So you come back home asap OK? We're having dinner together at Mom's fav place tonight."

Dad: "Oh OK. I thought you signaled me because you needed some extra cash."

Me: "?"

(Mom walked in the dining room)

Mom: "What are you guys talking about?"

Brother: "Oh nothing (continues eating)"

Dad: "Oh because today is Mothers Day, we're planning to go out to dinner tonight."

..

Why that little...

Oh well.

A Charity Night Out

Last night mom made us all go to an event in Da Vinci. From the moment I saw the invitation, instantly I knew how the night would be. Boring and pretentious. The invitation says to wear formal nightgown and tux for the male. It clearly speaks for itself.

When we arrived, the room was half filled with Caucasians, older gentlemen with their spouses. Most Indonesian women wore over the top long dresses with extreme makeups and big hairs. Typical.

They were auctioning a Baldi table, supposedly made one in the whole wide world by Baldi. The table was given by Baldi as a gift to be auctioned by Da Vinci. The money would go to charity for disaster victims. The starting price was 180 mil rupiah. It was sold to the owner of Da Vinci for 450 mil rupiah.

I wonder if the owner simply wanted to 'raise the stake', having no intention to buy the table when she raised her hand. But alas, no one caught her bluffing and she had to buy it in the end? Hahahaha. At least it goes for good deed.

Oh and there was the fashion show. A collection by Harry D ar sono. The clothing wasnt exactly my type, but the atmosphere was great. The background music was Chinese + Budha Bar songs, flattering the entire Chinese inspired collection. Some of the models were absolutely gorgeous. There's this one model who was very very pretty. She had this air of elegance and poise when she walked pass. Having the privilege of sitting right next to the stage, I looked up at her in awe. She was so.. Beautiful and close.

But as I look down, her feet were trembling. I dont know if its due to the heels of if she's cold of whatever. But then I realized that this beautiful creature walking pass me is also a human being. Despite her seemingly glamour and absurd image, she was too a human. A human that may get coldfeet walking on a stage infront of the crowd. A human that also has flaws.

Arent we all?

2007 HSC Results

Is online now.

Oh I'm exhilirated. Simply speechless. Thank you.

I got the highest in my fav subjects: Econ and English.

HORRAYYYY.

---

Seeing the results gave you a short thrill. It felt good because you know you did well. But minutes later, when the adrenaline rush stopped, you realized that it doesnt matter. Good grades wont make any difference whatsoever now.

It felt good because you realized your effort wasnt in vain.

But it evaporated because you know its over.

Well at least my econ teacher's treating us (those who get Band 6s) to all you can eat sushi :p

Time Difference

They say that friendships end when one moves away. I say not necessarily. But it is true that it's a lot more harder to keep in contact, because during the time when you come online, they're having their good night sleep, and vice versa.

It's much simpler when your friend is in another country with similar time frame really.

But yet nothing is impossible. When there's a will there's a way. One way or another, we'll find the right time and place to fill each other up. And it'll feel just like old times.

Maybe by then you might forget that you're a thousand miles apart.

Touched

I'm honestly tremendously touched by the "get-well-soon"s that they sent to me. Eventhough I'm only down with a fever, not some serious exotic disease. It's heart warming to hear how your friend in US knew that you were sick eventhough you didnt tell her. It's tear seeping to hear your friends leaving for Seattle, texting you from the airport not to care about not being able to send them and be more concerned about my health. It's smile evoking when a friend dropped by just to give you some medicine so that you'll be able to get well soon.

Thank you guys.

You are my gem people. The ones that are precious, beautiful and rare in my life.

At times like this, this realization brought another self realization, an opportunity for a wider perspective and positive vibes.

Thank you :)


---

Airport seemed a bit gloomy these days, as the only reason I went there were to send friends off. But it was exhilirating when I went to the first floor of the international terminal, the arrival floor to pick up my big brother from Amsterdam. Havent seen him in 6 months or so, he seemed again so tall and skinnier this time.

I stood there for half an hour, watching silhouttes walk passed that turned out to be stranger's instead of my brother's. As my feet complained and my stomach screamed, he came out. He smiled and commented "you look skinnier than ever".

Yeah, tell me about it. I never weight this heavy before. Maybe it's the jet lag coming on to you.

But later as he insisted to pay for my lunch, and bought himself a cup of vanilla sundae, I realized that my big brother's home.

:)

Garry, Kevin, Chrispian and Irene

Sent Garry to the airport 2 days ago. I came late, very late due to some distractions, and managed to arrive as he was being called for boarding. Been driving for like an hour or so, and it didnt go to waste because at least I get to see him for one last time, hugged him and bade him good bye in person.

And now 3 more are leaving tpgether this dawn at 4 AM. Unfortunately I wont be able to send them to the airport prior to me down with an intese fever. I'm so sorry you guys.. Wish you pleasant trips there :)

Nevertheless, Im gonna miss you wherever you are. I'm sorry for the mistakes, the things that I said or did that may hurt you either way. I thank you for every tiny precious moments that we shared, and shall treasure till the end.

May you all get the best of luck.

To a better future.

Reality

When reality came kicking in

When all you want to do is go back cuddling under your blanket and go away

To where they cant touch you, where they cant find you

Where everything is exactly what you expect

But again,

Reality always came up with new ways to wake you up

To leave you in insomniac state, like I do now

When you thought that you were the victim of wrongdoings

Reality came up with another verdict, you are the plaintiff

And you didnt realize it before

Were I just dreaming?

Or simply a blatant idiot?

When reality comes kicking in

I think its here to stay

I need some sleep

Any sleep, really

When all you want to do is pull the brake

And stay in the shadows crying

When reality comes kicking in

Tears are useless

When you know that its not your surrounding that's changing

It's you who have to change

Cause reality says

It's now or never

Before everything is too late

Audilia

Audilia is her name. And she is one of my best friends. You can always handpick her out of the crowd from her large brown, hungry eyes that often stare at you blankly like the way her Cihuahuas always look at people when they're hungry. Her stupid laughter as she laughs as if the joke is the most hillarious thing that she's ever heard in her entire life. Her mischievous grin that made people tease her because what comes next is her stupid laughter for nothing.

Her nerdiness. Her nerdy eyeglasses. Her paranoias. Her fear of her chin. Her obsession for perfect white teeth. Her habit of looking at people's teeth before any other features. Her stupidity. Her ignorance. Her simultanous habit that always left you surprised and laughing. Her clumsiness. Her strong-will. Her determination. Her fears. Her motivation. Her creativity. Her kindness. Her excellent hair-cutting skills that kept me coming back again and again.

I sent her away to US this morning. She's going to attend De Anza College in Cupertino. God how I envy her, to have a brand new fresh start for her future while I'm stuck here until next year. Crap. Crap crap.

Parting was sad and funny at the same time. When we arrived, she was still packing at home. How typical Audilia, late even in the last day here. As we grew tired of standing, waiting for her to check in inside, that bitch came out all happy. So we laughed and teased her, shouting messages for her like:

"Dont forget to comb your hair."

"Dont be late again!"

"Dont go to clubs and study hard."

Then we laughed and laughed. As time grew nearer, each of us hugged her, and she calmly whispers messages for us individually. It was heartbreaking. Her messages made me cry instantly, as I realized how she knew my dirty big secrets but stick with me through it, and shared words of advice until the last minute.

She didnt look back as she entered the door. Ready to face whatever's lie in store for her. Good girl.

As I drove back home and listened to her songs (she gave me a CD), tears seep from my eyes, bluring my vision. I cant believe I just sent Audilia away until when we shall meet again. And above anything else in the world, I wish her the best of luck. And wish that she wont change that much, because she is great as it is.

See you, partner. Have fun in US.

Diving in Bali

Just got our diving CD from my friend. The only part in this picture to indicate that this was me is my freakishly stubby and same-length left hand fingers (the right one in the picture). The video was rather stupid and silly, with Hawainese backsong. But I'm sure as time goes, this too will be a precious memoir of our Bali Trip.

--

Diving was traumatic. The scary part is when you have to shift your usual nose-breathing to breathe only and only with your mouth. When we first get into the warm water, I freaked out because I could no longer use my nose to breathe. It was quite a scary transition, but slowly, you kinda get used to it. Although at times, you forget to inhale with your mouth and ended up panicking in the middle of the ocean.

I dont know if all diving is like this. But I was quite dissapointed because all we did was hung on to a coral reef to feed breadcrumbs to fishes. Ordinary fishes who ate and ran. Bastards. We didnt get the chance to touch them, like what's advertised. Moreover, the current was pretty strong, and the temperature was extremely cold. I ended up trembling from the cold, being pushed by the current, helplessly attempting to use 1 hand to grip the reef and another 1 to spread the stupid breadcrumbs. From this, I ended up harming my knees. I came up with scratches all over it.

Overall, I dont think I will be doing this activity anytime soon. Especially when the diving I had in mind is moving your flippers harmoniously in warm clear turqoise water with colorful fishes without any traces of breadcrumbs.

Bandung!

We went to Bandung yesterday. It was a refreshing trip, away from the hot humid hell Jakarta to cooler, greener and smaller Bandung. The shopping, contrary to what people say, isnt that great. The most rewarding part of the trip is actually when we finished eating at Kampong Daun and sat there in our little hut, showered by the rain, and chatted.

On the way up, we passed a couple of farmers working on the fields. I wonder, what goes inside their minds?

Tonight, attended Stefany's farewell dinner. She's leaving for US this Saturday. For the first time in 2 weeks, almost 1/2 of our year gathered on the same table. Everyone was laughing and teasing and fighting over sushi. It was like a reunion. A reunion after 2 weeks of not seeing each other.

We had fun.

I'm missing highschool. Everything seems so fast, unprecedented.

Status Quo

Days passed. It has been pretty hectic, to travel from one place to another, a full schedule that requires the best of organizing to make it all possible. People are leaving very soon, too soon. Some of them even have less that 14 days here, before they go on a plane and leave to pursue their futures.

Like Michelle said, this is the end.

In some rare occassions of which I get to be alone, I took a second to think. To think of the things that happened to me recently, things that quite frankly have become a turning point in my life. Things that arent always pleasant, sometimes simply painful, but I am grateful to be able to experience.

It's funny how 1 thing led to the realization of another. How you get to think differently after an event. How you feel that everyone and everything around you is trying to send the same message, one after another, to remind you.

I dont think I have to write of what exactly happened in Bali that started all these. What happened, will stay among myself and some others who knew. But I sincerely thank Gerry who took the time to sit with me and unscramble things eventhough I'm down with a heavy flu in the middle of the night in Bali.

I guess highschool does matters.

What I have come to realize is that eventhough you knew of what you should be, you are still at times so vulnerable to distractions that pulls you back to who you were.

Eventhough you thought that you are balanced, when you got your problems all solved, you still have some issues to be solved with yourself. And that, noone can help.

When I thought that I got it all sort out, when finally I thought to have found my balance, things came up. Things that are almost similar with the ones that came up before, things that I once mishandled. And for once I almost did the same mistake. Almost.

And now I fear that soon I shall lose my balance, to crash and break into what I used to be.

Everyone is afraid of changes, to move from their status quo. But yet when one do changes, the only thing that she fears is to go back to the status quo.

IPEKA Award Night 2007

Prom was memorable, fun, an event by us to us filled with laughter and tears.

And for us the committee, prom was filled with sweat, blood and tears invested in the preparation.

After we saw how the event turned out, and how it made all of us feel, all the hard work was nothing.

It was all worth it.

For a night together in good company.

Bali in Pictures

Bali Was Phenomenal

After a glorious 5 days, 4 nights farewell vacation to Bali, being back home is utterly dissapointing. Bali was so simple. You are taken care of by the tourguides. You get morning calls, you get food around the clock, you get supplied with basic medicines and all your needs in Bali is catered kindly.

I kinda miss the Balinese smell, the flowery smell you have going on around everywhere. Or the salty and warm smell you get whenever you're near a beach. Bali was so colorful it fells dull when you go home.

I got sunburnt. Became darker. Got skinnier. Fell down on a severe fever. Got a hangover. Was stung by a jellyfish(es?) when diving. Bruished my knee. Caught a wave.

But still, Bali was awesome.

It's the place where you can stay under the sun for a long time without feeling guilty, and got burnt eventhough you applied a spf 50 sunblock on your skin. It's where you can easily get out from the hotel at dawn with a girlfriend and a guy (who happens to be the tourleader) to call a cab and went down for a couple of drinks. It's where everyone is smiling at you and you can smile back freely. It's where its OK for you to be who you are, regardless.

It's where you pretended not to be able to speak Indonesian when a stranger, shameless old fat prick asked you for a dance. It's where beautiful she-male whores asked where youre from. It's where its fine for you to be tipsy after a shot of tequila and a glass of cocktail. It's where you go to Mbargo with your friends, and flee to Bounty next door for a quick look.

It's where you can laugh at and with each other unburdened, because hell, highschool is over.

And now you're back home again. You finally realized the date after 5 days without time and date contraints. It's November 12th, 2007. Everything seems so final. In 4 days time we'll be having our graduation and prom night at once. That is, our final night together.

Right after farewell, the time when you finally talked and laughed with and get to know some of the people that you spent highschool with but never actually talked. Ironic isnt it, to be able to know how great someone is at the end.

Above all, Bali was an experience that provided an extensive soul searching. To acknowledge your wrongs and to make amends eventhough it is too late.

To stand by yourself in the water, eyes closed, ears focused on the sound of the waves, nose breathing in, out, slowly inhaling and exhaling the warm salty smell around you. And let the waves touch your thighs mildly, and even roughly at times. Then you open your eyes, and you see the equator, so glorious, untouched, unknown and free. At times like this, you are fortunate enough to get a glimpse of your future: unwritten.

To sit on a bench with a friend and talked. Talked without hiding anything. Talked without fearing of being judged. Talked and listened, cried on their shoulder with relief and grief of finally getting it out of your system. To realize that you are not alone, regardless.

We made a promise. Someday, I dont know when, 3, 5, or even 10 years later, when we are older and hopefully wiser, that we will get together once more in the island of the Gods sitting and reminiscing of these days to come.

And Life is Sweet Again

TODAY, MY HSC EXAMINATION IS OFFICIALLY OVER. OVER. OVER!

All I can say is, finally. After endless nights of procastinating and insomniac behaviour, my final examination is finally over. Done. Deal. All I have to do now is get this nagging curiousity of how I did for English and Economics until the marks are published later in December.

Shit December is a long wait indeed.

Seconds after we got out of the exam hall, life is sweet again. Everything seems so... Loose. Unburdened. Carefree. Its like seeing the world with much more color after weeks spent lurking at black and white texts for the exams.

Im leaving on a jetplane early in the morning tomorrow. For Bali. Bali. Bali. Bali. Bali. A 4 days, 3 nights of adventure and relaxation, laughter and parties with the whole Year 12. Oh God I cant wait.

After that? Go back home, take year pictures to be posted during the graduation ceremony. Then find prom dress. Then graduation ceremony itself. Later that same night, Prom.

Life is sweet. Life is sweet again indeed. It's even sweeter after the exams.

Cant wait for tomorrrrrwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Ribbonized

Added ribbons on the cheap-looking invitations, spent the whole night tying instead of studying for today's Maths. In the end failed to do Maths properly, unable to concentrate, mind bogging to god knows where. Which is pretty fine. Strange, have been trying to study Maths for the week before. Still no regret in failing to perform as good as I was in the lessons.

The other weird-er thing is: I actually quite enjoyed doing it in the first hour. But lost my concentration for the next 2 hours. Maybe Maths isnt so bad. If you know what to do.

Prom Invitation

Shit Im so pissed. Prior to the deadline, we have to print the invitations without the dummy (the 1 piece to ensure the color is precisely what I designed). We had to postpone the printing because of some technicalities, and was extremely anxious about whether the invitation will come off on time (before Monday).

I had to resize and redesign the invitation twice for 2 days because of some petty technicalities that came up in the last minute, and the printing guys werent so accurate in determining which to revise in the first time.

Right now Im sitting with a dissapointed face. The printing was badly done, the invitation look... Cheap. Far, far away from what I expected it to be. They increased the opacity of the red cover because they're afraid if the printed the red like orange. And they ended up printing it too red, making the fonts too orange, and the whole thing just became a dissapointment (to me).

Well at least the prom itself is going to be great.

I hope?

---

3 fav questions among girls with 2 more HSC exams coming up:

1. Have you found ur prom dress? Are you going to make it or buy it?

2. What type of dress are you going to be wearing? What color? How long?

3. Have yu studied for the HSC?

Between HSC Exams

Done 3 HSC Exams: Indonesian Background Speakers, English as a Second Language and Business Studies. 2 more to go; Maths next Monday and Economics on 6 November. 1 week period in between for study (because in Australia, this 1 week is filled with other subject's exams that we do not get in our school, like Spanish and Drama and others).

Even until yesterday, when the supervisors were signing the proof-paper conerning our answer booklets and we were told to relax and face the front, I dont really get the idea of me doing the HSC. Of me doing the last exam in my highschool year.

Of me doing the exam that we've been preparing for 2 and a half year.

Of me doing the exam that will be a turning point that changes everything, no more shall I come to school to a class filled with 27 people, all eating and doing everything but studying, like usual, late. No more shall I come to school, go down with Michelle to grab a croissant during break time, eat and complaint with my beautiful bunch of friends during lunch.

No more will the teachers tell us to study for our HSC. It's here already. And I'm halfway to finish it.

As we waited for the supervisors to finish signing the whole papers, I looked to my question booklet.

Its written "HSC Examination 2007"

Not "HSC Examination 2006", or "HSC Examination 2005", or the other past papers that we've done along the way in preparation for this paper sitting nicely infront of me.

2 more to go. 2 more papers to complete to bade the others goodbye.

Everything is going to change, and we actually have to do a test to flip the page.

HSC And Others

Havent been doing much but trying, striving and struggling quite desperately to cram 15 prescribed texts in a day for Indonesian HSC last Thursday and doing the same for (fortunately) 3 poems, 1 film and 1 novel for Friday's English Paper 1. In conclusion, this is not a good way to start my HSC. Failure to concentrate and inability to write in the time constraint was not a very good indication of my result.

My parents are back finally from their 2 weeks vacation in Beijing with some friends.

I spent my Friday roaming the streets with Audilia in search for Eveline's house. Suceeded after 2 hours drive. Luckily I wasnt driving. I would literally die from the stress and panic of so much things to think through. Hence Friday went academically unproductive.

Yesterday parents took me and brother for dimsum. Then straight away I went to Starbucks to tutor Eveline and my mafia-friend for Monday's English Paper 2. From then, straight to Tony Roma's to attend Chrispian's birthday dinner, and ended up spenting the night at the nearest Coffee Bean. Home by midnight, legs dying from the heels worn throughout the night. Went to bed. Hence Saturday went academically unproductive.

In short, my weekend sucks (academically).

---

To you (you know who yu are) who play out to be Mr Nice Guy at first but a prick in the end, Im sorry for not being able to play the role of who you wanted me to be. Im sorry I havent been replying ur SMS and IMs, its just you honey. You have your own issues, so leave me out of it. I dont want to be there anyway.

I dont think you have the right to post that as ur nickname because you're not a somebody in my life anyway. And puh-lease, keep your grammar adequate before you state something thats meant to another person in MSN :) it is kinda embarassing for you, you know.

Study Leave

I am a pig.

Teacher (T): "What do pigs do, children?"

Student 1: "Sleep!"

Student 2: "Eat!"

Student 3: "Sit all day infront of the TV and computer!"

Student 4: "Further eating!"

T: "Right, and what dont pigs do?"

Student 1,2,3,4: "Study during their Study Leave!"

T: "And their most destructive habit that they know they'll regret one day?"

Student 1,2,3,4: "Procastinate."





I am a pig.


***

Have been coming to school everyday for the last week with hope to study. Hung out in the library, had meetings with various teachers, all unique experiences.

Maths.
1 question explained. Mind wandering what to eat later today. Another question explained. Joked about the teacher's sexy round abs. Part of the question explained. Begging him to stop after this one. 3 days, Done 4 questions in total.

English.
Attentive at first. Teacher explains this and this. I wrote on my notebook, pretty neat handwriting at first. Teacher explains this and this. Handwriting gone wild. Mind wandering here and there, looking at the clock and some students playing poker on the next couch. Teacher explains this and this.

Bahasa Indonesia.
Overall adequately attentive. Luckily Bahasa's the 1st tutor, mind's still fresh/focused?

Business.
Done today, as the school's closed (red date), meet with teacher at Starbucks. Ordered. Teacher explains. I write. Teacher explains. I write. Teacher explains. I sip. Teacher explains. I finished my Machiato.

Holy shit Im so freakin unproductive.

Arent We All?

Have you ever heard of the term 'friends in need'?

Probably you have, or havent. I dont know. I suppose an intrepretation would suggest that a good friend is the ones who's there in need as oppose to only in good times.

But we tend to search for someone only when we need them, and treat them like garbage when we dont have anything important to do with them yet, until the day when we need them again. As in another intrepretation of the abose phrase: friends searched only when in need.

What do those friends do? They smile in understanding. "That's just human nature", said them. It's probably better to be looked for once in a while than not being acknowledged at all.

It is the belief that helped us go through every booty-call. But one day, alas God knows when, some of them got sick and tired of it to say "the hell with he/she" and moved on.

Do you like to be those accepting the booty calls? But who are we to comment. Some, or most of the times, we are the one who made that call, and someone on the other end's answering it.

Guess everybody's the same, whether or not they acknowledge it, whether they did it unconsciously, or deliberately. Its time for us to look within to know.

Last Day of School

Today is officially the end of my school days. This morning is the last time I will ever have to wake up that early, each and every dreadful morning for this past 2 and half years. This morning will be the last time of me coming to school 1hr late and getting After School Devotion for being late.

Tomorrow onwards I will stay home for 1 and half week for my Study Leave before attending school again for my HSC Exam in 18th of Oct.

I cant believe I wont be coming late ever again to school to find myself entering the weirdest class I have ever joined: my precious 12-4 (now 12-3 after the merger). The class where Michelle cut my hair during Maths. Where Michelle gave Michael a facial at the back of the class. The class where we passed magazines during lesson esp Maths. The class where we learnt together in the past 6 months. The class that I've grown attatched to.

Eventhough I may be coming back next year to attend the UAN class to wait for my univ's intake in Sept, I know that nothing will ever be the same.

Like what Audilia wrote, graduation is indeed only 1 step ahead, before we scatter all around the world to unknown years apart.

Prayer Meeting

We were excused from 3 periods after Lunch time to attend our last Yr 12 Prayer Meeting conducted by Yr 12 teachers. This meeting is basically a routine that's there each and every year, a meeting where we sat as a year group and listen to some teachers and students pray for our upcoming HSC, our parental support for the HSC, a condusive environment either in school or in our country for our HSC, our future etc etc.

By (almost) the end of the sermon, we had Principal's Message, a sharing given by the principal of our school. She talked about how a night she was turning on her computer to print off some documents while reading the newspaper. There, she read about Kenji Nagai, a Japanese reporter who was shot to death when reporting in Myanmar (the actual article here). As soon as she finished reading this, she leaned across the table to get some used paper to print the documents. And you know what she found there? Her daughter's Curriculum Vitae (CV) when she applied for an internship at the Jakarta Post last June.

She read the CV for us. Her daughter (Jenna) was a passionate believer in words, she believes that words can change people. Her love for journalism developed slowly, but steady.

"I live side by side with poverty in this country. I understand it. When I was in high school, I used to go to kampongs to talk with the people, and write something about it, to be distributed to others around me. I know this is slow, but I believe that words can make a difference."

Her mom (the principal herself) was near to tears as she read the lines to us.

"I believe in my country," she wrote.

Jenna is now in Japan, pursuing further education in journalism. The reason her mom was so near to tears is because she believes that this coincidence (reading an article about Kenji and Jenna's CV) is God trying to tell her something.

She was overcome with emotion, that one day, alas, her daughter might be Kenji. And she'll be in the same position as Kenji's mom now. She knows that her daughter is passionate about this, and she might put her life on the second place as she pursues her story. The whole room is silent.

And deep inside me, there's this respect growing for Jenna, a girl whom I have never even met before in my life. She had a purpose, her life might be meaningful limited to those around her, but someday as she fulfills her purpose, I believe that she will touch much more, strangers like me who have never met her.

You can make a meaning out of your life. But to have a purpose, you'll have to listen deep into your heart.

Dad Learns to Type

After dinner tonight, Dad asked me to check whether my sisters and brother are online. So I took the stairs up, turned on my Messenger. Apparently everyone is online tonight. So I ran back down to tell him the news, and he decided to go up to my laptop to talk to them.

At first he put on his reading glasses and read our conversation as I type in everything that he says to them. Then he asked how this thing worked, and I ended up teaching him to type using a laptop.

It was heart-warming, seeing him struggling to press each words to form letters and phrases which are then sent as I pressed 'Enter'. I can tell he's concentrating real hard as he tries to find the word that he's looking for, scanning the keyboard continually to find different words, all with one hand. Then my sister replied, and he sat there, reading her reply, realizing that his reply doesnt suit her reply now, and asked me to erase it for him to type a whole new reply.

Awww.

The effort he put into communicating with his offsprings.

Farewell Chapel

We had our Year 12 Farewell Chapel this morning. Our last Chapel together after 2.5 years of attending it every Thursday morning, a routine that we might find a relief or even a burden to lose.

Next week would be our last week going to school; then we'll have a 2-weeks 'Study Leave' where we (according to the Australian curriculum) are excused not to attend school but may come to school to seek enlightment from respective teachers for our Final HSC, which will begin as of 18 October.

Ironically, going to school these days seemed to be a mundane task to accomplish. Learning Maths and Bahasa Indonesia was in my top not-to do list. Its like a plague students get, getting sick of attending school when they know how much they will miss it soon,

Very soon.

The prospect of the soon-ess is sureal. I cant believe everyone is going starting this December.

:( ---

By the way I cut my hair by myself yesterday. Eventhough I cannot and had never had any experience cutting hairs, nothing. The lesson to be learned? There are some things better left to the hands of hair-dressers. My hair looks retard.

Like my Maths.

<3

Cute. Black haired. Adorable. Sexy. Big hearted. Visionary. Believer in destiny. Quick thinker. Super-hot in Fergie's videoclip. Perseverance. Cuddly. Sweet. Loving. Family guy. Selfless.


Denica is falling, for Peter Petrelli.

Big HAHAs.

Teenage Talk

We had been friends since the 10th grade, and called ourselves PPGs for short, a name that has been translated into a lot of different acronyms eversince. Its easy to say that we are friends, that for this 3 years everyone knows that we are friends, that we play together, and that we are a group. Yet the 6 of us knew that we are plain play-mate, not friends. This, everyone dont know. They said that we looked solid rock, they were just seeing us from the pictures.

Which is OK, I guess. Its just.. We share only to another person, or mostly only 2 of the bunch would know, them who we call the closest. Perhaps the main problem is that we talk too much. We talk and yet never made it true. We promised to go here, there, here, there, do this, that, this and that. Yet none of the here, there, that and this ever came true. The reason? We're too busy with our individual lives.

As we approaches our final months together before we graduate, things have resurfaced into our minds. Why cant we be as solid as we look in the pictures? Everyone has this thought, some talked about it, but yet again, noone made it real. Its as if everyone is waiting for someone to make their first move, yet noone make their first move.

Its like we're waiting for nothing.

Furthermore I have a slight, no, cross that, major problem with 1 of the girls and havent been talking to her for like 3 months or so. The others know about it only recently, and have been asking questions to me. All I can say that she is a 'lying backstabbing bitch'. Every occassion they've been trying to talk me into making up with her. And always I said 'later'.

Today after school, as we wait for the afterschool's fundraising bazaar, we sat around in our new posh library and talked about things. We gave our opinions, I confronted my friend (whom I didnt speak to for 3 months), and we sat in silent. It was rather emotionally challenging, we talking of our problem thats there but never talked about, my eyes were hot when I presented my arguments with anger.

Alas, our (me and this friend) debate doesnt seem to reach a resolution. I still do feel mad at her, even until now. I told them that I cannot just let this go and make peace. Hell no.

Then another friend cried. She said that shes been very sad because we're not speaking to each other, because she cared for us regardless of how we dont seem to care for her. But she was wrong. We do care for her, well, at least I do. Seeing her cry just because of our stupid argument was heartbreaking. Everybody went silent, and she continued speaking of how she feels about this our cold war.

"I dont care even if you dont care for me, but I do care for you alot. And thats all what matters."

I told her that I will try. I will try, thats all Im promising. This is all too confusing, teenage problems are all too confusing. I am confused. But I will try.

Changing Cards

Shit I just realized tonight that my 14-yr old brother is almost as tall as I am. 1 more cm and he'll pass me. Oh the agony of seeing myself stuck in this height and him growing taller each day! Haha I remember how my mom used to pick on him, saying that instead of getting taller, he's actually growing fatter. I too used to told him that hes fat and short. Right now he's actually skinny and almost taller than me. Guess the cards have turn now?

Thinking After Before

Been doing tons of things to prepare for our graduation ceremony and prom night. Been selling food (yes, extra work for us the committee) to raise the severely-lacking prom funds. Yesterday we were excused from the last periods to do a practice for the graduation dance. We had to remember steps for the dance. Yes, it is that humiliating dance with cheesy 70s disco theme song picked by our beloved Maths teacher with a laugh on his face. We were also briefed on our upcoming farewell trip to Bali from 7-11 November! Wish we can skip/ fast-forward our lives to November without doing the final examination coming in 3 weeks :(

Juvenile Crime

There were 3 people involved: the male friend, the female friend and the boy. The male and female friends are friends, the female and the boy are friends, but the male and the boy are not. The boy has a lot of enemies in school because he's a real pain who likes to rap.

This male friend of mine allegedly accused the boy of peeking into his female friend's blouse in the school's elevator last Tuesday. During senior lunch time, when we were busy selling food to raise prom funds, the male friend confronted the boy, and the boy didnt want to confess. The boy said that what he was doing was none of the male friend's business. The male friend snatched our apple pie's knife and held it up in the air to threaten the boy. The canteen's security came in between, and soon teachers started to meddle.

That night, the male friend brought with him 6 friends to the boy's house. The boy was punched. He tattled to the female friend (whose mom happens to be his mom's cooking partner) that he was beaten by 3-4 guys. He then got a medical proof of his wounds from the local hospital. He then report the beating to the police, even though they made peace earlier.

On the contrary, the story was indeed very different when told by the male friend. He said that the boy was only punched once by a guy, and he was basically daring them to punch him. He also claimed that the boy fought in self defense. They have video proof of the event.

Today my male friend received a letter. He was summoned by the court to attend a hearing tomorrow. He's not going tomorrw, so he said.

I wonder how this is going to end. The problem is the male and his bunch know people. People who can make this go away, at the boy's own expense. Furthermore, the male friend is offended by the boy's act of reporting this to the police after they made peace earlier, and is thinking to beat him some more.

I cant believe I befriended mafias.

Midnight Prank and Resolution

Im in such a good mood tonight. Been having some online pranks through MSN with my friend, and honestly I feel much better now compared to previous days. Geez, laughter from ignorance and stupidity is indeed a remedy for everything.


--

Tonight I feel that my mind is very clear, as clear as the starless sky of Jakarta. Positivity is currently running through my vein. John Pizzarelli is still singing oh so smoothly from my iTunes.

I've been doing some thinking.

I want to help the people around me. I realized Ive been a completely selfish person, putting my needs and wants above others. Well now everything is about to be changed. I do hope I am capable of such deed. Im not exactly talking helping people in a radical way i.e. helping them to cheat and giving them all my possessions for their better lives. Nah, seems too bullshit for me.

Im thinking of helping others with their grades. Doing some individual lectures. Using what I have to ease other's struggles, even in the slightest way.

Thinking about it now, it might actually be fun. I read once in Readers Digest that the meaning of your life does not imply from what you think you've done with your life, but what others remember you by when one day you shall leave this world.

Maybe some day some where, people might remember me as the one who helped them get into college. Or at least the one putting a smile on their face. I wonder what that feels like, when others smile sincerely in gratitude, for what you have done for them.

Bet it would be somewhat like this? The corner of my lips havent cease to drop eversince I started writing this post. Hope it'll last :)

Anorexia

Wikipedia described anorexia as: "a psychiatric diagnosis that describes an eating disorder characterized by low body weight and body image distortion with an obsessive fear of gaining weight."


It's funny how you see people around you (esp female beings) getting all freaked out when dealing with weight problems. It's like there's this simple paradigm implanted into the society's mindset: thinner equals better.

Dieting seems like an everyday topic in the school: girls who brought apples for both breakfasts and lunchs, girls who starve themselves with biscuits to avoid eating rice and the possibility of getting fatter, and other similar cases. Frankly some people accused me of having some traits of anorexia, although I prefer using the stairs and abandoning the elevator on a daily basis compared to starving myself and risking the possibility of other negative effects of dieting.

First of all, how can people not enjoy eating? I do admit that I dont really have fat genes in me, and its indeed harder for me to gain weight (now, underweight, still this is the fatest I've ever been in my life). How can they object the simple pleasures in life: cheesecakes, creamy chocolate milk, cheese, caramel, and all sort of desserts?

Still, who am I to accuse them? I admit that often I felt rather sick of my current state of beings, and seriously trying to exercise more to lose that extra fat. I admit that I cant be that extreme like they did, dieting and all sorts. I am a dessert person, and a dessert person does not do diet when there's treats luring you with temptations.

Perhaps this is the first time that I admit formally that I do may have some mentality problem over my weight. I always jerked off everytime my friend told me Im anorexic. The truth is, I am not. And even the strongest of my will power to get thinner will only last 1 week the longest. I am indeed a complainer.

Several friends who went through some weight-loss processes (i.e. by minimizing food consumption extremely) found it harder to concentrate in classes, felt that the class's air cons are even colder, but felt extremely satisfied over her self image of being thinner. This leads to another state: I want to be even thinner so that I'll feel even better.

Yes. This is the reality kicking in. This is the world. But can we really blame these females for attempting to feel better?

What really initiated this trend, this demand for females to be thin as a standard of acceptable? Is it the presence of super thin models waving back and fro with happy smiles showed literally everwhere? Or the fact that most designer labels made their clothes even smaller with each passing day? I dont really know what happened to us all, but I do hope that this is only a phase that shall pass soon.

The truth is, Im getting really woried over 1 of my best friend, struggling to keep her weight as low as her role model, Lionel Richie's adopted daughter. I saw her becoming very thin these past few months, she claimed that she felt better over her self image and would like to lose more (the more we said she's very skinny, the happier she felt).

What I feared is that her happiness will demand costs to be paid in higher value.

Everything Happens for a Reason

It sounds cliche, I know. I used to grunt and mock it in silence everytime a friend tried to comfort me with that phrase for any horrible events that happened to me. What reason? I used to ask myself. What reason could be so great and tempting and awesome that I have to suffer this first?

Yesterday I was proven wrong. There is indeed a greater, better deed waiting for you around the corner for every bad things that struck you. We lost the debate for the extremely unfair adjudicator. He basically slept almost the whole time we are infront talking, and gesturing friendliness and confident whenever the opposition speaks. Yeah, we were pissed off all right.

But then I decided to spend the rest of my afternoon lazying around in Michelle's luxurious apartment, swimming and playing with the cold water in the sunny day. The pool was breathtaking, the surface reflected the sun, producing some kind of a luminous layer of water. We dived, swam, fooled around, laughed and giggled. Then these 3 white guys in the jacuzzi started to talk to us. After all that, chatting with them proven to be the highlight of our evening.

Then as we bade good-byes and see-yous, we took the elevator up to get ready for Paulina's sweet 17th birthday dinner in Marriot Hotel. Surprise, surprise, everyone came late. Hence me and a friend decided to go up to the hotel's pool side where we lay on the couches, she smoked and I looked up to the gigantic buildings.

Right there I felt really small in this world. That there's an unknown, greater reason beyond my understanding why shit happens to me. And we stayed there, watching the black, starless sky with a much better feeling.

The Death of the Furry Ones

Above is Tiny, my little cousin’s baby bunny she bought to play with during her stay in Malang. He liked to eat flowers and cabbage while playing with his sister every morning when Tamara took them out to the garden. He was so small that he could fit in my open palm. He liked to sleep soundly on my palm while I caress it slowly.

He died yesterday, on my last day there, the day when I’m supposed to fly back to Jakarta.

That morning I woke up, unusually early. As I climbed down the stairs, Tamara sat silently on the dining table, gazing on her tingling feet. By then I was told that Tiny had passed this world, leaving his sister playing alone in her cage. It was a sad day.

---

I once had a bunny of my own. I and my eldest sister were walking down in our previous apartment’s park when we saw him; a little bunny looking at us with sad looking eyes. He was small, and hungry. A little boy had abandoned him there because his mom had told him so. After a few scratches on my arms, the bunny sat nervously on my arms. It was scared. I know he was. His little heart, hidden beneath his furs, was pounding like mad.

The year was 2000.

Ever since that day, he was my pet. My oldest sister and brothers liked to feed and pet it sometimes, while my older sister seemed to look at it with slight disgust on her face, although I swore I saw her once or twice tried to feed it when I’m away.

We named him Ling Che. And soon we called him Che-Che instead. Che in Mandarin means ‘eat’. And that’s precisely what he liked best: eat. Unlike other bunnies, he was an omnivore, and perhaps I had something to do with it. I liked to feed him everything: chocolates, jellies, noodles, chicken, burgers, breads, cakes, and other snacks. Of course, he ate vegetables as well, his daily diet. Like you all might have guessed by now, he grew fat.

As a little girl myself, I confided into the furry creature. I carried him on my lap, as if he was a little baby, and pet his furry forehead. He had this smell that I will forever remember as his warm fat body slept silently in my arms, his little ‘Y’ nose moved up and down indicating his breathing.

As years passed by, my family (even my older sister) has grown accustomed to have him around. I used to see my older brother secretly giving Che-Che a piece of his food, or even leave some milk for the little rabbit to savor. Every birthday (I dated his birthday as the day when we found him), I would buy him a small piece of a cake as a celebration for another year.

One cold night, my sister was chatting on the computer. I walked casually to Che-Che’s cage, bringing him some chocolate ice cream. When I saw him inside, something tells me that something is wrong. Quickly I opened his cage, and he was biting on 1 of the handles forming his cage. His green vegetables were left untouched, not even a leaf.

I pulled him out, and I knew something is really wrong. Searching for better light and environment, I took him into my room. He had lost control of his bones, he was unable to sit straight, and helplessly he stumbled, fell on to the ground. I was afraid. Overcame by panic, I scooped him, tried in vain to make him able to stand straight again, hoping that he needed only some help.

I was wrong. As seconds passed, my fear has forced me to tears. I was afraid, deeply afraid. With Che-Che lying helplessly on the ground, I ran to my brother’s room, knocking on his room. He wasn’t happy when he opened the door; I knew that he was distracted by me. I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t want to speak of the truth, my worst fear.

My brain had lost all words, I looked at my brother, slightly shivering while I said in lowest decibel, “Che-Che..”

He stood, and then paced to my room, to see the rabbit that helplessly lie on the ground, his small ‘Y’ nose moving weakly. As he examined him, I ran down to the bathroom and cried in silence. He was my first pet.

When I finally got out, my brother has moved the rabbit into a little box. I looked upon him and tears started to prickle again; he was laying there, his body covered with a white towel, but still I saw his nose breathing, weaker than ever. My brother was trying to make him magically recover by tempting him with his favorite vegetables; it worked before, but not tonight.

I re-entered my room, I couldn’t be there any longer, and I cried again in silence. Then my elder sister entered the room, and she sat there next to me in silence, patted my back once. I ran back out. Che-Che had died. His ‘Y’ nose has stopped moving. My brother had stood up, walking towards my parent’s bedroom.

I sat next to his box, patting him for the last time, my eyes were wet. When my parents got out, they were dumbfounded by what had happened, I was crying, my brother avoided their looks, later my brother told me that even my older sister was crying a little. That very same night, my dad, I and my brother walked down to the park with a flash light. We buried Che-Che on the same spot where we had found him.

It was July 2004. 3 years from today, he was 4 years old.


May he rest in peace.

---

My friend had called me stupid for believing, and even give a slightest thought of such thing called bunny heaven. "There is no such thing as a bunny heaven. Animals dont go to heaven when they die. They are simply gone."

An Old Friend's Birthday Dinner

I was invited to my former-junior high best friend's Sweet 17 birthday dinner tonight. It's funny yet awkward to see so many familiar faces, and not knowing what exactly to say to them after 3 years of basically not corresponding except occasional greeting text messages every christmas/newyear/birthdays.

Right after we took our seats, I was swarmed by some of friends that I used to hang out with. Not knowing what to say, I asked them what are they going to take for univ. To my surprise, they answered simultaneously, as if rehearsed:

"Medical science for doctor."

Shit.

"You?" they asked, also simultaneously.

"Erm, Economics."

They were silent. I asked, "So all of you take Science in school?"

"Yea, you do too, right?"

Shit. Shit.

"No."

"You take commerce??"

"Yes."

Their faces froze. Their eyes widened by an inch. Nobody spoke until:

"But you used to be smart!"

Shit. Shit. Shit. Hey, hold on one second. What's that suppose to mean?

Fortunately the food arrived. With hunger overcoming us, we dropped the topic and started eating, shifting to a much lighter topic: ex teachers. It surprised me that this 1 killer literature teacher that we used to have is now the principal of primary school! Geez, she made us shook whenever we fogot to do our homework before, and we were junior high student!

After everything, I admit it is kinda nice to see the people you used to spend time with, and to see how much we've changed, or how we remained as we were, once upon a time.

Should We Be Worried?

I noticed there's a lot of encouragement going on everywhere for you to save you money in South East Asia. The reason? Of course of its relatively cheaper costs and high emerging profits. Today's edition of CNBC Cash Flow told us to invest in China's steel market. Indonesia has recently developed a global option market, with many domestic firms now opening their firms for global investors, previously initiated by only Telkom.

Seeing this rate of financial inflows, are we seeing history repeating itself? With our economies under major scrutiny by other nations, waiting us to make one false move to destroy it all. Or is it true that we have now grown much more mature and stronger that such preceding catastrophe shall never occur once more?

Never hurt to be a little extra cautious.

My Business Text

I went to bed last night at midnight. Woke up at 12 noon. Realized that my little brother has gone to the mall with his friends. Hesitantly I ordered breakfast/lunch from my maids, and ate it, unable to finish them all. Then reluctantly I started to skim through my thick Business Studies textbook, and finding myself able to skim only Topic One. Shit. My trial's on Wednesday and I would have to finish all 5 topics before.

One thing that hits me is how I havent been a good manager of my own life. It says that "A good manager has to be proactive in a sense that one should continually scan the horizon for potential upcoming changes, and to be able to embrace and adapt it to his/her own and the business's benefit".

I havent been proactive.

I never scan the horizon for potential upcoming changes.

"Alternatively, bad managers would let themselves be swept along by the change, or worse, being caught unprepared."

I have been swept along, and always caught unprepared.

Thus I can conclude that I am indeed a bad manager. I know, I know. I know that "nothing is contant in business but change". Yes, I am aware of it, those words are being crammed into our brains since the beginning of the year as a good phrase to begin your essay. Well my life is not a business, but maybe I can see it as one, seeing that I am trying to gain most of it and lose as less as possible.

These days I noticed that everyone is confronted with changes in their lives, and often changes for the better. I can see them coping with open hands; heck, it's for the better. What disgusts me is what I felt, when I feel that changes in my life are often for the worse. I hate to compare, and yet I compare.

Worse yet, I have become an obnoxious sister for my little brother. As he went home (late) tonight and the night before, I yelled at him telling that he's not going anywhere tomorrow as a punishment. Since both my parents are away, I felt that I had the authority to say that. But now even I doubt it. I regret what I said to him, every word. Why is it that it's so hard to me to show what I really feel? I know he hates me. For being an obnoxious sister.

For not being a better sister, and a better manager in my own life.

Projek: Bahasa Indonesia

Saya sedang melaksanakan program penggalakan menulis dalam Bahasa Indonesia. Di satu sisi karena lusa saya mempunya trial Bahasa Indonesia, dan juga untuk membuktikan kepada khalayak ramai bahwa Bahasa Indonesia saya tidak setolol yang dibayangkan.

Oke jadi tadi saya mengerjakan trial Ekonomi dengan sangat terpacu. Bayangkan, 3 jam untuk membaca, memahami dan menjawab 20 soal pilihan ganda, 4 soal jawaban pendek yang banyak sekali subsidiarinya serta 2 buah esai 5 halaman/esai. Di ruangan super besar yang berwarna putih dan sunyi, dimana yang terdengar hanyalah suara pendingin ruangan dan terkadang suara kertas dibalik.

Di detik-detik penghabisan, tangan kanan saya sudah menyerah. Memang, simptom-simptom kram tangan sudah saya rasakan sejak saya menulis esai nomor 1, dan ketika saya menulis esai nomor 2, tangan saya seakan berteriak minta tolong agar saya berhenti. Coba kalau tangan saya bisa bersuara. Pastinya ruangan sudah heboh.

Paragraf terakhir. Konklusi. Baru saya sadar saya lupa menyertakan data untuk kebijakan fiskal Australia. Sial. Terpaksa memulai 1 lagi paragraf. Eh jadinya makin aneh karena seakan hanya sebuah paragraf penggalan yang tidak penting. Akhirnya saya menyertakan kembali data untuk kebijakan moneter dan kegiatan mikroekonomi Australia di Maret 2007.

Walao.

Tangan kanan saya menggila. Barulah saya menyadari tangan kanan saya sudah sampai titik darah penghabisan. Sial, saya mengutuk dalam hati. Saya belum menulis konklusi.

Untung saya terpikir suatu ide revolusioner: menulis dengan posisi tangan bak menulis pinyin mandarin untuk meminimalisasikan tekanan pada otot menulis tangan kanan yang sangat sakit. Hore. Hati saya bergirang ria. Meski tulisan hancur seperti bahasa mandarin, yang penting terbaca. Alhasil konklusi yang seharusnya hanya 4-5 baris dalam font saya biasanya menjadi 7-8 baris.

Ya sudah. Yang penting sudah selesai hore! Tapi saya bingung. Besok saya trial Bahasa Inggris Paper 2. Kalau sekarang menulis dengan Bahasa Indonesia demi trial lusa, besok nasib saya bagaimana?

Hello!

Geez my brain is incredibly slow today. Unable to work. Unable to absorb. Unable to think. Unable to perform ay sort of brain-y activities.

Tick tick tick. 19hrs away to my Economics trial.

Brain unable to respond.

Thank God for these web comics. They made my day.

I officially have a bad feeling for tomorrow.

I think I am having a pre-trial anxiety.

How Machiato Saves the Day

Today started just like any ordinary day: I wake up at 6:30, took a bath, drove and arrived at my school 20minutes late. We're supposed to have our Physical Education classes this morning, but my choice of P.E havent start functioning yet. So I spent my first 2 periods pursuing Mathematics understanding hopelessly in attempt to get something on before the trial.


Our trial HSC starts this Monday. Trials, the last chance you're given to score well in order to improve your UAI record before the final HSC Examination in October. We spent the whole day, all periods, doing trial examination past papers until my right hand ached from too much writing. But yet everything went as usual, just another ordinary day with a more diligent mood.


But it turned the other way around on the last period: Economics. We were given a multiple choice pop quiz with last year's trial. And for some reason I failed to concentrate at all to do it properly.


When we discussed it, I found that I havent yet understand the concept of different types of taxes: average, marginal, proportional, and my questions for further explanation from the teacher was frustrating. Still I cant get a grip on the concept, and several other concepts.


It was as if my brain had a sudden breakdown, right before the trial.


As I grew frustrated, I had a pointless argument with a classmate which left me even more annoyed than ever. I tried gamely to refocus my mind to another multiple choice paper given, but failed completely. My eyes felt like burning, I wanted to concentrate, but I cant. And thats frustrating.


In the way back home, I decided to seek consolement in a cup of Caramel Machiato, hence I made a maneuvre to the nearest Starbucks.


As I waited for my hot Caramel Machiato to cool up a bit, I sat and read and tried to finish my novel for English Paper 1 on Monday. I noticed how everyone in the coffee shop seemed unburdened, smiling and gesturing and laughing and talking to each other just like another day. How I long to do that.


The first sip was phenomenal. Having stopped all contact with caffeine for the past few months, my throat sang as the warm chocolate-velvety liquid passed through, leaving a warm afterglow in my stomach. I stopped reading and put down my novel to gaze outside, gazing without direction, taking a minute to rest in the chaotic day. All with yet another sip, and another.


On my way back home, I realized that Coldplay was right. We do live in a beautiful world. And sometimes a boost of caffein is all we need to recall that fact.

The Teacher, Driver and Brother

The Bahasa Indonesia teacher said that according to the newspaper, Indonesia is the shining star for democracy in Asia.

The driver said that he and his kampong mates are being paid IDR 20,000 per person to vote this electant.

The 13-yr old brother said that every electants are corrupt anyway. The important thing is we get the money.

How weird.

Blogger Comment Sucks

John is right. Totally right. How terrible and grotesque the situation is now for those girls, trafficked into the hands of unknown pricks in vain. I wish we could help (if anyone know how we can help, please feel free to let me know).

Changing Direction

Yesterday I was excused from the school to go to the Ministry of Education in order to legalize my current report card. The reason, of course, is to follow up the administration for my application on the University of Ind for the academic year of 2007-08. Everything went smooth at first, we had lunch with my Dad's friend, and waited while he do the talking to the officers.

But just before the rightful minister signed my report card, to be legally legalized as equivalent to Ind's curriculum, he saw my school's name.

"IPEKA? I dont think that school is registered as an International school here."

Then he made a few inquiry into their database system, and it turns out that my school is registered only as a National Plus school, and furthermore it has no operational license from the Ministry of Education.

With that, I bade goodbye to any chance of my report card being legalized, let alone enterin Univ. of Ind.

Right now Im really really dissapointed with my school. Not angry, no, we've gone through that time. Previously, the vice principal of the school told us that no International school can be set up by Indonesian, hence my school stays under the name of National Plus.

So why is it that in front of the new building, they wrote in capital letters, IPEKA INTERNATIONAL Christian School?

If it is true, that international schools arent supposed to be built by Indonesians, then how come there's another international school, set up by Indonesian, who already has their operational license, and classified by the Indonesian government as an international school?

Getting really confused.

Now Im stuck here to do my UAN until April next year, by then only I can pursue my univ education in Amsterdam. Should I be cheering or jeering?

Language Contrast

Geez this is really weird. How can I achieve better scores and feedback from my Second Language whilst failed to excel in my Background Language?

The funny thing is that I was once such a good student and writer and answerer and reader in my Background Language whilst striving at my Second Language. That was before, in the days of blue junior-high skirts and blissful ignorance of any marks and scores.

I wish I can be a better student and writer and answerer and reader in my own Background Language. Would be a shame if I failed :(

First Week in New School

I've successfully submitted my Business and Economics Assessment Tasks this morning, as both are due on the same day, but different hours. And should I by any means consider this first weekend without having to think about both report and essay a real weekend?

Apparently not.

I have to start composing my speech for my Bahasa Indonesia Assessment, due this Monday. 2 days, free at last, to research and write a speech. To submit it, and read it aloud infront of the class on Tuesday.

And the worst part is, my new building does not even look like a school. Most importantly, I felt like Im in a mall somewhere having lunch at the colorful cafeteria (overpriced and tasted awful). Sitting in some kind of a seminar in the white, freezing classrooms. Opening colorful lockers with the latest technology in locker keys provided by the school.

I feel like doing anything but doing something productive with my brain.

Weird, I do miss my old school, despite our constant mockery to the boring canteen and rotten building, it was a school. Funny Im not all that excited about having a renewed, humongous, modern, shiny and minimalist school building.

Maybe its because I would have to wake up earlier to ensure that I will be able to park my car in the school's basement, and also because our arrivals are being recorded through our smart cards we scanned to enter the building.

As written by Chrispian here, also some of my other school mates' blogs, I'm not alone in this preferance of the old building thing.

But hey, every changes take time. I have to adapt, like it or not. And Im sure it'll all get better once we get along :)

Would I?

They said that your actions justify who you are. "Who said?" they asked. "Them," I said.

Often I found myself wandering in the middle of the night, of my present life. Of who I am now, as shaped through the choices that I have made in my previous experience and occurances. Events that acts as a light house in my life, mapping my life into several different areas.

And often I wondered: "Will I still be me if I didnt do it?"

Will I still be who I am at this moment, writing this word on my laptop, listening to Kings of Convinience in the middle of the night, if I hadnt chose what I chosen before?

And if I shall be given a choice; a choice to repeat and redo, but most importantly change what I've chosen before, will I have the courage to take it?

Or, will I be willing to take it?

Words have came out. Things have been said, and done. Letters have been written. Choices have been made.

I dont know.

Nice First

What would you feel if one day your mom told you good things about something that belongs to you. And tomorrow told you that that thing that she told you was good before, was good now, and only now. And she said that before she didnt have the guts to tell you that it wasnt good, but now it's very good.

Shit man.

School Scam

Today I went to my new school to attend the parent-teacher meeting for the sole reason of taking my Smart Card and Parking Sticker to get in when school start. And despite the new building, they're all still the same: full of crap.

For 1 and half hour, they discussed nothing virtualy useful for any of us in that room. The raise of school fee. The new payment system. The oh-so-great HSC. The oh-so-awesome achievement of the former graduates from there. The 1 student who continually joined world olimpics for Biology. Everything good is lamented once and for all.

But never did they explained how their precious HSC happens to be unacceptable in Indonesian/European universities.

I guess the main reason of this parent-teacher meeting is to retain, and attract potential applicants to the school, which means : more income. Woohoo. Also it may act as a free marketing strategy, considering how moms in this country loves to gossip for as much as they can, boasting about the greatness of their children's schools, and hopefully one of the fooled mommy will enroll their kids into this school.

And not to speak of the new building. The new gymnasium is crap. It's very rough and... ugly. How in the hell must we work to cover it up so it'll at least be presentable for our prom night??

Drivers License From Hell

I took (finally) my drivers license's tests this morning. I was late for my 11 AM test as I arrived at 11:15 prior to jammed traffic. 15 fcking minutes. And I had to wait for 2 hours for the next test.

First I had the theory test. It was utter bulshit. My eyes spinned when I read the questions. They are, well, plain unimportant. I remembered 1 question asking: what quality must you posses to obtain your driver's license?

A. Ability and knowledge to drive without putting other's lives at stake.
B. Healthy body and mind to prevent any danger to others around you.
C. Both A and B.

Of course I answered C. It's a basic fact that you have to choose whatever that seems to be the best answer without even reading the whole sentence. Let alone making it the foundation of your driving life.

After that we were told to sit and wait. And wait. And wait. Tick tick tick. My vision was blurred, I was clearly starting to hallucinate. I saw animals, cartoon animals walking infront of me, smiling and wagging their tails and saying hello to me. Tick tick tick. Hey, that rabbit is stealing the elephant's food!

When I thought that I was covered in mould from too much sitting, I had the practice test. Driving a manual car. Shoot, I havent touched a manual car in a year! And eventhough I missed the gas as the brake, I passed. And after 6 hours in that god forsaken office, I acquired (finally) my drivers license.

And made a promise never again to return to that place.

Holiday Pig

When I reviewed what I did yesterday, everything became crystal clear: I have successfully became a pig during this holiday.

Woke up at 11. Ate a piece of blueberry cheesecake from the fridge. Watched TV with my sister. Went to the gym for a body balance class. Had my lunch. Drove back home. Watched Babel in my brother's laptop. Watched TV. Had my dinner at 9 PM. Watched TV. Receive phonecalls. Watched Music and Lyrics in my brother's laptop. Made a phonecall. Went out to the living room, watched HBO with my brothers. Took a slice of blueberry cheesecake from the fridge, accompanied with a glass of hot chocolate. Watched Hide and Seek in HBO. Went into the room, read A Hundred Years of Solitude. Went to bed at 2 in the morning.

Woke up this morning at 1 in the afternoon. Ate another slice of blueberry cheesecake. Watched TV, play internet.

See?

Postponed- Drivers License

My dad has been lecturing me about how I shouldnt procastinate on taking my drivers license's exam. I have officially postponing it for 3 months now, and he thought I must take it this holiday, full stop. Actually, Im all set for it yesterday. But something unexpected took place, I overslept. Woke up at 12 noon, while my test's organized on 11 AM.

Yet again, I dont know what makes me so damn lazy to take it anyway. Except to the fact that I've been driving here and there without license for more than a year and never once got caught. Perhaps my body system has adapted to the fact that driving licenseless is OK?

Or maybe, it's because the thought of going to the slimy gross how and humid test center in your formal suit (jeans and a hemmed shirt with shoes), and meeting up with corrupted officer who doesnt give a shit about how well you can drive but how much 'cigarette money' you're giving me afterward just delayed my will to go there and have a shot.

Either way, I have assigned another test for this Tuesday. Hopefully this will go fine :)

Witchy Photoshoot

For our yearbook, we grade 12s are being photographed by a hired photographer last month. And just 2 weeks before, I finally saw the result (all design comitee get to see it first :p), and my picture sucks. I looked retard.

After begging and bargaining later, the head of the yearbook comittee agreed to allow me reshoot my profile picture. I organized everything for this morning. Called the museum manager (where we had our first photoshoot), asked my design teacher to shoot my pictures, and other petty little details.

At first everything went smooth. Click click click. I thought to get more picture this time so I'l have more choice later on. An hour later, I decided to switch my dress. Thought it would be nice to compare both dresses later on. Im not risking anything, not a flaw anymore, after all that trouble going there.

All of the sudden, right after I came back from the bathroom to change, this lady, the museum manager, started to scream at me, telling me that I had lied to her regarding the purpose of my photoshoot. She wont believe that Im using the pictures only and only for my yearbook profile, and accused me of lying to her to take pictures there for my portfolio or something commercial.

In her own words: "I know exactly what kind of pictures that students need. They dont take an hour to complete, they dont change poses, and they dont change dresses! You're lying to me, you're not even a student!"

I tried to defend myself politely, saying over and over again that I am not a fcking model and I am by any means not using these pictures for my fcking imaginary portfolio or for any other commercial use. And I am definitely not lying to her. Plus I am a student. Unfortunately.

Then she asked for my student ID. I gave it to her, and she took it to the other room, perhaps taking notes of my class, student number and fullname to be framed infront of the door as a souvenir. When she got back, she started telling me this story (loudly) about a girl who lied to her before, saying that she was a student and secretly took pictures in her bikini.

At this moment I was thinking silently, what the hell?

Again she accused me of being a liar and screamed of how I should've been honest and open to her in the first time. Then I lost my temper. I raised my voice, told her that I swear I am not fcking lying to her for christ sake. Then every word that came out from my mouth were tackled viciously by her, saying that I shouldnt lie again.

Then she said that we shouldnt have this debate as it is useless. She looked at me in disgust. I stared back at her. "Just finish whatever you're doing, take any picture and go". She stomped out and left. I yelled back, "Whatever, I am not lying to you (almost cursed her of a word that I shouldnt said. fortunately I held it back) !"

I was left with rage. No longer in the mood for taking any picture, I went back to the bathroom and changed. Washed my face and wore my Starbucks Tshirt and boxer back, then tried as hard as I could to look gallant and triumphant. Im not letting her have the pride of succeeding in 'kicking me out'.

On my way out, I swore under my breath not to step my foot in that ugly museum ever again. Let alone seeing that witch.