I booked my ticket back to Rotterdam last night. I'm leaving France Dec 17, in less than 2 months from now. It feels odd. So much has happened...
...I remember when I first got here. I was horribly homesick. It was one of the darkest days in my life. I was here but being here was the last thing I wish. I missed my friends, my boyfriend, my family. It was different than when I first got to Rotterdam 2 years ago, the first time I went to Europe. I also arrived alone. I did not know anyone. I did not speak the language. I did not know how to buy a train ticket from Schiphol to Rotterdam. I did not know how to cook, how to do my laundry, how to live on my own.
I know how to cook (partially) now, I know how to operate the washing machine and the vaccuum cleaner. I learnt.
I arrived here alone, and the first thing I realized was how scared I actually was. Everything felt so foreign. I arrived in Paris Nord, from there I was supposed to take the RER to Cergy, where I am living now. It is the agglomeration of Paris, 40mins by train from central Paris.
The first impression I had was that this place is uglier than Rotterdam.
There is absolute nothing to do, everything is far and it is not that safe at night.
I got into my studio and it is white. Everything looked so sterile. That was when I realized my pillow, blankets, sheets, towels and clothes that I sent 2 weeks prior havent arrived. I felt so alone in my room, with nothing but cold whiteness surrounding. The next couple of days were hard. I had orientation but even amidst all those people I was laughing and smiling but I felt alone in the inside.
Perhaps I was surprised. Perhaps I was dissapointed.
On the Friday it was the Bear's birthday. I told myself to be strong but before I know it I was running from my class to the train station, got myself a ticket to Germany and went to Paris to catch my train.
I have never felt happier that week.
I came back to France on the same time he flew to Spain for his exchange. I came back different. To be able to follow one's heart really does provide one with joy. I have never and will never regret taking that train to Germany.
Slowly I began to realize why I went here. Slowly I began to realize how resistance of the current moment has done nothing but harm. Slowly I began to accept. Slowly I began to breathe. Slowly I began to live. Slowly I began to fall in love with this country.
Slowly I began to realize that I am halfway done.
It feels odd.
All in all, living here has become a habit. I have to admit, living here doesnt feel real. I feel like I am in a holiday, but I am not because I do go to classes. I go to classes, but I do not work nor do I use my brain. I travel, I read. I have all the time in the world, this is something I did not have in Rotterdam. I meet people who I will genuinely miss when I leave. I have croissants and espressos, brie and wine.
Today I received an email. It was an invitation, a request to be a part of a board for my HC in Rotterdam. My HC from where I graduated right before I left for France. My HC which has taught me so much.
My mind began to ponder. That life seems to me like the real life, and that email was like a reminder. But living here has made me realize that there is another reality, and going back confuses me.
I decided to go for a run, and it was beautiful. I ran to the hills, my favorite spot in Cergy. I ran through the small pavement, with little farms below; layers of trees and mountains seemed so deep. The sun was light, it was almost time for it to set. I sat down on the grass, I listened to the vague bird chirps. I watched the little insects fly by, I watched the grass being swayed by the wind.
And then I walked home.
