Alles is liefde

I've been derivatively packed with things to do these weeks. Places to be, meetings to attend, housewarmings and dinners to enjoy, game theory exam coming up, game theory paper next in line, emails to write, books to read, assignments to complete. In one sense, I am loving every second. I love it because I know I'm doing it for myself. And the me inside is grateful, because life will not throw me things that I can't do. That is a blind belief that I take very seriously.

But of course, there is a tradeoff to this. With 24hours in a day, sometimes there is no enough time to do everything. Choices must be made. But with these choices come consequences. I think the most drastic would be that I do not spend as much time with those I love the most. At first I though it's alright, they're busy too. They will understand.

Today, I was having a relaxed morning with my glass of milk&fruit and a grilled Spongebob tosti when it hit me. It hit me hard. There's no better time to make time for those you love but when you're exceptionally busy. I walked to my cupboard, where I hang some letters from those who love me enough to write it. At that moment, I couldnt ask for anything else. I felt so loved. And it makes me feel so grateful. Grateful, of those who love me no matter how imperfect I am.

Grateful of being alive.

Grateful of this realization.

Grateful of everything, because everything is love.

And I'm not referring to the love between lovers. You know what, the strange thing is that this was the only kind of love I thought valid. Perhaps this is one of the most momentous realization in my life, to understand that love is universal. It spans throughout race, blood, sex, animate objects, conventional wisdom, culture, religion. It is everywhere, everyone, everything.

One of the most influential quote in my life is from Morrie Schwartz: "love each other, or perish." Sometimes we just need to take aside our pride for one second, to engage in honest openness and vulnerability of connections. Because we only have 24hrs a day, and making just a little bit of time for someone means all the joy in the world.

For some reason, I took my phone, and started making random calls at 9 in the morning just to say hi to people. I wrote emails, texts and even blackberry messenger-ed those who live on the otherside of the world. To wish them a nice day, and that I love them.

At that moment, I am incredibly grateful for all the love in the world. For the love between the postman riding past me now of his job, of the bike shop owner across the street who undully put out each and every one of his bikes outside every day, of the girl who biked listening to her ipod to the music she's hearing, to friends who are doing Finance of their academic thirst, to the love and compassion being shed everywhere in the world between strangers. Of hope, love and inspiration. Each and every second, in every posible unique realization.

Love each other or perish.

How can one be entrenched in self pity, anger, stress or frustration once we realize the sheer amount of love there is to cherish?

Cit cit cit

Yesterday, my eyes stumbled upon a block of cheese cut in the shape of a triangle in the supermarket. Now dont get me wrong, I've always loved cheese. However, I tend to eat it on a meal. You know how I love my grilled cheese tosti with Spongebob face on it! So as I stare at the triangle cheese, I decided to go a little crazy by buying it. Me. Buying my first actual cheese! The excitement!

I dont know cheese that well, so I approached the cheese-chef/butcher/server to ask whether I made a good choice. He looked at me as if I just handed him a new born baby. His eyes sparkled and he waved his hands enthusiastically to gesture just how incredible delicious this piece of cheese is. He said its "very soft, very full, very intense, very delicious!"

So I gave in to his description and took it home. How excited was I when I cut it! It was a little crunchy on the outside, very tender and slightly gooey in the inside. Without further ado, I gobbled up the little piece that I carefully cut.

It was intense alright. The first sensation was the outter part, a bit crunchy and tasteless. Then I chewed it and this intense sensation overcame me. It tasted like old socks! I frowned, extremely confused. Seconds later, it became very soft in texture, very buttery in flavor.

Today I found myself crouching at the far end of my room nibbling on the piece of cheese.

I am turning into a cheesehead.

Or a mouse.

That is when it hits me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. SOMEONE TAKE AWAY MY PIECE OF CHEESE! THIS IS NOT THE KIND OF PERSON MY PARENTS WANTED ME TO BE WHEN THEY HAD ME.

This is much, much better.

Hello, Mr. Police!

A group of little preschoolers just passed my building. I could hear their chatter and laughter as if walking home together is the best thing that has ever happened to them. That is, until they saw a police on duty standing outside a bike shop. All of the sudden, the chatter stopped distinctly. One by one, one after another, they opened their little lips and said:

Hallo, meneer politie!

It was a choir almost, the harmony of joy expressed tonelessly by a group of still-to-be-corrupted midgets whom I still cant decide to use the word walk or bounce to describe. It was very cute, and I couldnt stop smiling!

Children are a bundle of joy when theyre not yours :) :) :)

Walking on people

It is in university that I met some of the most selfish and competitive people I have ever seen. I guess it is good in a way for them to be so competitive, to not settling and wanting to achieve only the best. But if you do it while stepping on other people to get to the top, you've lost my respect.

I guess I shouldn't let them muddle with my head. Really, for some reason I could not help but feel pissed. I feel used. Do they not realize their lies are so transparent I can see it even when I'm blindfolded.

But you know, on the other hand maybe they were sick. Maybe they were too sick that they could see the white light. Maybe that's why they do not have the power to produce sufficient energy to send me the paper.

I am trying to believe you, trust me, I am. But's its getting harder to trust people when they continually skrew you over for their own benefit.

But I am trying.

You just need to realize, my dear friend, that life is not a zero sum game. My winnings are not your losses, my losses are not your winnings. I know, because one can never lose. One can only win or learn something from it. In a sense, we always win. But that's just the way I look at it.

Little people

There's a reason why I love weekends: freedom. Complete freedom of knowing you don't have a class to attend to the next morning, or meetings, or other obligations. There's this freedom attatched to how you manage your weekend, since there is nothing you have to do. It's what you want to do. It's lovely, flirtatiously lovely. I always decided to party on Friday night, me-time on Saturday and museum visits on Sundays.

The last 2 are new to this year. Last year, it was more like party Friday night, party Saturday night, drinks Sunday night.

I made a resolution this Summer: this year I am only going to do what I want to do, no more feeling of should be doing something just because. Uhuh, its less partying more other fun fun activities :) I just find it easier to know who Denica is when you dont have to shout to talk to me. My Cultural Sundays started when me and my friend painted my room on a Sunday. We were so tired we decided to go to a cultural fair to refresh our minds, and it has become a habit ever since. We're going to a fashion art museum this afternoon :)

But perhaps most of all I look forward for my Saturdays. It's exhilirating yet relaxing at the same time to be spending some time with just yourself. In the morning I go to the markt to purchase some verse fruit and vegetables. Generally I do nothing else productive. Strangely at these times my head is filled with questions: what do you want to do? What do you want to do later? What do you want to do with this precious time that you have on the palms of your hands?.

On Saturday nights, I make myself an incredible dinner to celebrate the passing of time in this glorious day. I love this newly found quality time with myself. I would then watch a movie, or spend the night in the company of a good book. It's strange how I no longer feel the fear of being alone, the fear of loneliness that haunted me dreadfully.

So yesterday I watched this movie: Synecdoche NY, and fell in love directly. It's a pretty slow movie, but at the end it really gets me thinking. That we are little people in a sea full of other little people who may or may not realize our bare existence. That we may feel like we're the only lead in the act of our lives, but truth be told there is no extra in this huge playground for a play. Everyone is a lead, a little lead in their little play.

The realization of how little we are makes me realize how scared we feel to be forgotten. When the ones who love us forget, when they no longer love us, when they die. These little invisible strings connecting us all, the idea that there is no strangers but just little players colliding each and everyday.

Life is precious, every day is irreplaceable, every moment is unique.

Why don't we all smile now?

:)