The Long Wait

I hate waiting. I hate to wait in uncertainty. I hate to wait, knowing how devastating the result would be if it turns up bad.

A dillema now, my HSC diploma may not be acceptible to apply for univ in Holland.

They said to send in your application, and we'll see from there. Knowing that I only applied there, this scares me.

Shit. I have to wait for my brother to fly back there to turn in my application. While I sit here in uncertainty and nothing to do.

Maybe I should stop waiting. When you're not waiting, the wait itself seems hell shorter.

But this is my future we're talking about. How can I not be anxious?

Geez.

Merry CHRISTMAS

Angelic choirs in malls. Twinkling lights on colorful trees. Soothing christmas songs in the air. The smell of gingerbread tempting you. When everything seems brighter.

Merry Christmas.

May this christmas brings you another reason to hope.

Eventhough I havent slept well in weeks, and my health is in crappy state, I just hope that I can have a merry little christmas with mi familia. They're all home, after all. That alone is another thing to be grateful for :)

Mothers Day (?)

My friend told me it was Mothers Day today. So I asked my brother to do something for Mom today during lunch. We agreed to buy her a flower, make my little brother write her a card, and bring her out to dinner with the whole family (minus big sis) to her fav restaurant tonight.

It was all done in secrecy and occasional whispers along with some english words to prevent Mom from knowing.

Then we secretly signal Dad to come closer.

Me: "Psst.. Dad. Dont say anything, but apparently today is Mothers Day. So you come back home asap OK? We're having dinner together at Mom's fav place tonight."

Dad: "Oh OK. I thought you signaled me because you needed some extra cash."

Me: "?"

(Mom walked in the dining room)

Mom: "What are you guys talking about?"

Brother: "Oh nothing (continues eating)"

Dad: "Oh because today is Mothers Day, we're planning to go out to dinner tonight."

..

Why that little...

Oh well.

A Charity Night Out

Last night mom made us all go to an event in Da Vinci. From the moment I saw the invitation, instantly I knew how the night would be. Boring and pretentious. The invitation says to wear formal nightgown and tux for the male. It clearly speaks for itself.

When we arrived, the room was half filled with Caucasians, older gentlemen with their spouses. Most Indonesian women wore over the top long dresses with extreme makeups and big hairs. Typical.

They were auctioning a Baldi table, supposedly made one in the whole wide world by Baldi. The table was given by Baldi as a gift to be auctioned by Da Vinci. The money would go to charity for disaster victims. The starting price was 180 mil rupiah. It was sold to the owner of Da Vinci for 450 mil rupiah.

I wonder if the owner simply wanted to 'raise the stake', having no intention to buy the table when she raised her hand. But alas, no one caught her bluffing and she had to buy it in the end? Hahahaha. At least it goes for good deed.

Oh and there was the fashion show. A collection by Harry D ar sono. The clothing wasnt exactly my type, but the atmosphere was great. The background music was Chinese + Budha Bar songs, flattering the entire Chinese inspired collection. Some of the models were absolutely gorgeous. There's this one model who was very very pretty. She had this air of elegance and poise when she walked pass. Having the privilege of sitting right next to the stage, I looked up at her in awe. She was so.. Beautiful and close.

But as I look down, her feet were trembling. I dont know if its due to the heels of if she's cold of whatever. But then I realized that this beautiful creature walking pass me is also a human being. Despite her seemingly glamour and absurd image, she was too a human. A human that may get coldfeet walking on a stage infront of the crowd. A human that also has flaws.

Arent we all?

2007 HSC Results

Is online now.

Oh I'm exhilirated. Simply speechless. Thank you.

I got the highest in my fav subjects: Econ and English.

HORRAYYYY.

---

Seeing the results gave you a short thrill. It felt good because you know you did well. But minutes later, when the adrenaline rush stopped, you realized that it doesnt matter. Good grades wont make any difference whatsoever now.

It felt good because you realized your effort wasnt in vain.

But it evaporated because you know its over.

Well at least my econ teacher's treating us (those who get Band 6s) to all you can eat sushi :p

Time Difference

They say that friendships end when one moves away. I say not necessarily. But it is true that it's a lot more harder to keep in contact, because during the time when you come online, they're having their good night sleep, and vice versa.

It's much simpler when your friend is in another country with similar time frame really.

But yet nothing is impossible. When there's a will there's a way. One way or another, we'll find the right time and place to fill each other up. And it'll feel just like old times.

Maybe by then you might forget that you're a thousand miles apart.

Touched

I'm honestly tremendously touched by the "get-well-soon"s that they sent to me. Eventhough I'm only down with a fever, not some serious exotic disease. It's heart warming to hear how your friend in US knew that you were sick eventhough you didnt tell her. It's tear seeping to hear your friends leaving for Seattle, texting you from the airport not to care about not being able to send them and be more concerned about my health. It's smile evoking when a friend dropped by just to give you some medicine so that you'll be able to get well soon.

Thank you guys.

You are my gem people. The ones that are precious, beautiful and rare in my life.

At times like this, this realization brought another self realization, an opportunity for a wider perspective and positive vibes.

Thank you :)


---

Airport seemed a bit gloomy these days, as the only reason I went there were to send friends off. But it was exhilirating when I went to the first floor of the international terminal, the arrival floor to pick up my big brother from Amsterdam. Havent seen him in 6 months or so, he seemed again so tall and skinnier this time.

I stood there for half an hour, watching silhouttes walk passed that turned out to be stranger's instead of my brother's. As my feet complained and my stomach screamed, he came out. He smiled and commented "you look skinnier than ever".

Yeah, tell me about it. I never weight this heavy before. Maybe it's the jet lag coming on to you.

But later as he insisted to pay for my lunch, and bought himself a cup of vanilla sundae, I realized that my big brother's home.

:)

Garry, Kevin, Chrispian and Irene

Sent Garry to the airport 2 days ago. I came late, very late due to some distractions, and managed to arrive as he was being called for boarding. Been driving for like an hour or so, and it didnt go to waste because at least I get to see him for one last time, hugged him and bade him good bye in person.

And now 3 more are leaving tpgether this dawn at 4 AM. Unfortunately I wont be able to send them to the airport prior to me down with an intese fever. I'm so sorry you guys.. Wish you pleasant trips there :)

Nevertheless, Im gonna miss you wherever you are. I'm sorry for the mistakes, the things that I said or did that may hurt you either way. I thank you for every tiny precious moments that we shared, and shall treasure till the end.

May you all get the best of luck.

To a better future.

Reality

When reality came kicking in

When all you want to do is go back cuddling under your blanket and go away

To where they cant touch you, where they cant find you

Where everything is exactly what you expect

But again,

Reality always came up with new ways to wake you up

To leave you in insomniac state, like I do now

When you thought that you were the victim of wrongdoings

Reality came up with another verdict, you are the plaintiff

And you didnt realize it before

Were I just dreaming?

Or simply a blatant idiot?

When reality comes kicking in

I think its here to stay

I need some sleep

Any sleep, really

When all you want to do is pull the brake

And stay in the shadows crying

When reality comes kicking in

Tears are useless

When you know that its not your surrounding that's changing

It's you who have to change

Cause reality says

It's now or never

Before everything is too late

Audilia

Audilia is her name. And she is one of my best friends. You can always handpick her out of the crowd from her large brown, hungry eyes that often stare at you blankly like the way her Cihuahuas always look at people when they're hungry. Her stupid laughter as she laughs as if the joke is the most hillarious thing that she's ever heard in her entire life. Her mischievous grin that made people tease her because what comes next is her stupid laughter for nothing.

Her nerdiness. Her nerdy eyeglasses. Her paranoias. Her fear of her chin. Her obsession for perfect white teeth. Her habit of looking at people's teeth before any other features. Her stupidity. Her ignorance. Her simultanous habit that always left you surprised and laughing. Her clumsiness. Her strong-will. Her determination. Her fears. Her motivation. Her creativity. Her kindness. Her excellent hair-cutting skills that kept me coming back again and again.

I sent her away to US this morning. She's going to attend De Anza College in Cupertino. God how I envy her, to have a brand new fresh start for her future while I'm stuck here until next year. Crap. Crap crap.

Parting was sad and funny at the same time. When we arrived, she was still packing at home. How typical Audilia, late even in the last day here. As we grew tired of standing, waiting for her to check in inside, that bitch came out all happy. So we laughed and teased her, shouting messages for her like:

"Dont forget to comb your hair."

"Dont be late again!"

"Dont go to clubs and study hard."

Then we laughed and laughed. As time grew nearer, each of us hugged her, and she calmly whispers messages for us individually. It was heartbreaking. Her messages made me cry instantly, as I realized how she knew my dirty big secrets but stick with me through it, and shared words of advice until the last minute.

She didnt look back as she entered the door. Ready to face whatever's lie in store for her. Good girl.

As I drove back home and listened to her songs (she gave me a CD), tears seep from my eyes, bluring my vision. I cant believe I just sent Audilia away until when we shall meet again. And above anything else in the world, I wish her the best of luck. And wish that she wont change that much, because she is great as it is.

See you, partner. Have fun in US.