Snip snip

I went to the hairdresser today. Had a tight, demanding weeks which resulted in me contemplating upon booking a flight to Barbados. Not even knowing where Barbados is. Days have been short, weeks passed mercilessly. Running from classes to deadlines to meetings to preparations had its toll on me. Last Friday, I had to hand in a draft for a paper, which I started that morning. The ticking deadline was rough, the fact that I woke up at 7 in the morning to teach did not help in focusing my brain. At one point, I decided to give up on the deadline and told it to skrew itself. Called my TA, and was informed that the implication of my abdomination of my draft reaches beyond myself as my partner would have to assess that draft for our next assignment. Stared back at my empty word screen, wrote a bunch of smileys and nonsense, somehow praying that this is sufficient to make words form itself without me having to write them.

In case you were wondering, Internet, words can not form itself. I know, I was dissapointed too. I thought the introduction of computers would make our lives easier?

So I ended up having another goal in mind - to come up somehow with 1500 words paper on my topic. I did not even know what I typed, I just explained the Kantian view on morality and some about foreign aid, which is what my paper is about. At one point, I was typing without even knowing what I was saying. My eyes were fixated on the word count, heart cheering everytime the number crawls slowly closer to 1500.

15 minutes before the day ends, I received an email from a friend that resulted in me laughing at myself. At that point I realized something was wrong with me. Even more than usual, that is. I laughed while replying, at the same time freaking out because by then I only had 10MINUTES TO PRODUCE 200WORDS.

I submitted the draft at 12:00. No, not a minute more, not a minute less. PRECISELY, ACCURATELY, DEFINITELY AT 12:00! I thought it was really funny, like you know, the feeling you had when you just ducked a bullet.

At that moment I realized what was wrong with me: I was taking things too seriously. Far, far too seriously. It really scared me, how much responsibilities really took control of you. I have never been the one who is responsible, always the slacky retard who is laughing at nothing. A cold hard look at myself revealed that I have once again became a hamster.

A hamster in the sense of being stuck running on the wheel without stopping even for a second to see that THERE IS A FIRE OUTSIDE! Run! Run, hamster, RUN!!! (Previously, I was a hamster for snuggling in bed and eating and snuggling back in bed while munching a secret stack of snack).

A hamster. That's what I have become.

Thus I took the weekend off, finally took the time to go to the hairdresser (overdue by two weeks by now). It was surprisingly refreshing, my hairdresser was the one who profoundly believes in connections. She was jolly, and after our short session was proclaiming herself to be I AM YOUR NEW MOTHER!

Living is about sharing and connecting, she said. What good can you do when you just run here and there without emotions? What good can you bring when you do not take the time to smile and wave and notice the people around you? What good can you bring if you are a robot?

I told her that over the course of the weeks, I am a hamster-robot. A Ham-Bot.

She laughed hysterically and shaked my hair. That is why I am here, to cut your hair, Ham-Bot.

That was why she was there, to cut my hair. Or to cut my Ham-Bot circuits. For no Ham-Bot will I be.