Valentine's :)

Because we deserve the best and wont settle for less! :p

Happy Early Valentine's!

I dont know how I can constantly humiliate myself. This morning, while waiting for my tram, I was talking to this guy. At one point, I exclamated that it's so awesome there's a prickle of sun (after DAYS of endless rain and snow and hail and darkness) especially today, Valentine's.

He looked at me, clearly puzzled. But today is not Valentine's, he said. I looked at him like he's doing drugs. Of course it is! My friend invited me to attend her Salsa Valentine's Party tonight at the Rotterdam Airport. He looked at me like I'm an idiot, reached into his pocket and produced a phone.

Friday, February 13th.

I looked at him and did what we girls are so good in doing, talk about the weather and changed the subject.

Thing is, I actually brought some heart lollies for my friends today. Thought it would be nice, since we're having exams (bloody again) in 1 and a half weeks. So I decided to eat 1 on my way to school. I was looking outside the window while sucking it, it's awesome. It's like sweet and sour and 100% awesome!!! I was thinking of buying more to supply in my room for rainy days when I realized the guy was looking at me like I have 'Retard' written on my forehead.

I just realized that day I put my hair into 2 pigtails. Even I would look in pity when there's a girl with pigtails sucking a lolli in the tram.

Oh my word. Kill me. Kill me now.

In the tutorial, my friend told me that I look like I'm 5.

Note to self: never ever do your hair ever again.

During Maths lecture, due to very early class (NINE!!!), my brain wasnt home yet. So I decided to kill the time by rolling my kboxing bandage. It has somehow the form of rolled tissue paper, and when I'm so close to the end, IT SLIPPED FROM MY FINGERS.

To my horror, I screamed NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO as the bandage unrolled itself down the floor. I bent to pick it up, and when my head emerged from the chairs, I noticed the professor is looking at me.

No what, my dear?

Fuck. Fuck.

Skrew this Denica-no-cursing policy.

At the end of the day, I skipped kboxing class since I was certain today is cursed. And my best friend lost 25 euros, someone pickpocketed her. IN THE LIBRARY. Where have we gone to, people? How can we feel safe when we can't even be safe in the bibliotheek, a sanctuary for education?

Stupid Friday the 13th.

Perfume

Today wasnt a good day. School was incredulously mundane. Went for a lecture, spent the whole 2 hours doodling and scribbling. A tutorial afterwards, head stayed on my arms looking outside the window, at the thin winter leafless trees. Mind jumping from one thought to another, blocking any new information whatsoever.

In the tram home, I sat behind this guy. There was vague perfume smell from him. It reminded me of something, something I couldnt recall. Something sweet. I tried gamely to remember the reference of that smell, that sweet musky smell. It wasn't that easy, considering the fact that I have both the memory and concentration span of a goldfish.

So I just sat there, looking outside, the slow French chanson penetrating my thoughts. The vague scent lingers.

Then it hits me. It was my old Burberry perfume that I stole from my Dad. It was a guy's perfume, but I loved it. I used to go down to my parents' room before I went out just to use his perfume. Then one day I noticed it migrated into my room.

It seems so far, far away, that life of mine.

I couldnt remember clearly. I think my brain only categorizes my memories into 2 piles: now and before. Before is just everything that happened, piled together with no precise time reference.

Who was I, the I in Before?

Who am I?

Is she, the one living in Before, that different from the one living in Now?

Has she changed?

Has she changed for the better?

Or hasn't she?

It feels like now, we are running after one exam to another. A rat race for grades. The I in Now feels weird. Life isnt just about grades. Getting good grades is preferable, surely, but isnt there so much more to life than just words and theories a hundred years old determining who you are by what you get?

I dont know.

The I in Now is confused.

The I in Now is wondering what the I in Before would think.

The I in Now continues staring outside the window. And the sweet musky smell lingers.

What do you say to a guy after you kicked his little friend?

So Internet, quick confession. I kneed a guy's peepee yesterday during kickboxing. I still feel so guilty! It was admittedly a bit weird, after the little unfortunate accident, I suggested that we stop sparring. He looked at me. No, continue. Hit me!

I stood there in my gloves and the image of Silas came flashing in my mind. Oh hell no, I said. I aint falling into this scheme. Next thing I know he'll be flashing his medical bills at me.

But I did feell really bad, so after practice, I came over to him to ask if he's OK. He told me I wasnt the first one who caused his weewee some pain, as he experienced similar experiences 3 times earlier that day.

I wasnt sure if that somehow made me feel less guilty.

The guy walking behind him commented that now he wont be able to make girls pregnant anymore. Then I told him that I've done a good deed indeed, taking into consideration the amount of euros he is now able to save from not buying condoms. He looked at me and said Oh so now you want me to get AIDS too?

No Work No Money

I've been busy looking for work these past few weeks. The reason is purely monetary. I'm saving up for Summer break, because it feels wrong to ask for more money from Ma and Pa for my vacation. Until now, each attempt results in nothing but failure. Bugger, it's so bloody difficult to get an English speaking job here in Rotterdam as a student!

I tried several job agencies, and after a few promising emails, they casually mention that btw, they can only help me if I have a work permit. Which you can only get if your spouse is Dutch.

So I've decided to apply myself, and naturally I tried a somehow Asian-centered last resort: a Japanese sushi restaurant. I asked my friend who is working there if they need some help, and she told me to come by and ask the floor manager myself to show that I am really interested. So I came after school today, and because I my Dutch is virtually non existent, they decided to put me behind the bar. She told me to show up tomorrow to start my "probation" and I smiled and said absolutely while cursing silently in my head since I would have to miss my kboxing practice.

We were just about to walk out when she called. Oh I almost forgot, do you speak Chinese? I looked at her, and replied something that would be translated into my Chinese is perhaps better than my Dutch, but still retarded. She looked at me, and start speaking Dutch to my friend.

Even with my elementary Dutch I understand that she was talking about me, and that no I cant work there because I dont speak Chinese.

I am in Holland and I cannot get a bloody part time bar job because I dont speak bloody Chinese.

It's almost February and now I am seriously considering upon selling my organs to afford my Summer vacation.

Sudden Enlightment

All of the sudden, I realized something that's been there all along but somehow never hits me: eating chips contributes a negative relationship to your sore throat.

Living alone can indeed make you dumb. Before you have different brains to remind you these things, but now it seems that one brain is nowhere close to enough! My favorite white shirt is now my pink shirt. Who couldve thought that you are supposed to divide your laundry based on colors?

I came home, my room is clean. I looked at the pile of clean clothes I'm supposed to fold neatly into my closet. They look so helpless piling on the floor. Looking. Looking. Moving on.

Welcome, 2009

Wow. 2009.

2008 went so fast you feel your head is still spinning.

2009. This is gonna take a little while to get used to.

So much went down in 2008. Is it what you expected? Some are. Some are even better. A moment of reflection made me realize that 2008 was like that ice cream rocky road. It's sweet, cold (winter sucks), bitter at times, rocky, but sprinkled with marshmallows.

I got into the university that I wanted. I got my very first piece of writing published. I tried things I shouldnt. I got the chance to meet wonderful, admirable and life coloring people, not only friends, but even enemies and mentors because they all make your life just a little bit different. I realized race does not matter, it's who they are that you befriend, not whatever background information they have.

I realized how spoilt I was. I know now that dishes do not just magically dissapear after you leave the dining table. Nor does your pile of clothes. Floors need to be vaccumed, food need to be prepared by yourself. You learn that you must make sacrifices. For isnt it true that scarcity is indeed inevitable. What matters is how you make the tradeoffs.

I realized theres so much more to life than what I assumed.

And so I wont burden myself with a bunch of resolutions this year. I know I'm gonna remember it only this week anyway. But one thing I wish to remember at all times: to be thankful. It's so easy to forget everything else when you have everything you wanted. The hard part is perhaps still being thankful when you got the nuts instead of the marshmallows.

There is so much little wonders that we should be thankful for. Hectic metropolitan life has perhaps made us forget that. The simple joy from a smile you get from a complete stranger. The mere fact that you still have a family, regardless, that loves you for who you are. Even when you give them nuts instead of marshmallows. Focusing on the little things that adds joy to your life, instead of the big issues that pushed you down to the icy winter ground.

So smile. Smile even for no reason. And realize once again that the world is wonderful. Even when it's 2009, with all the premature hopes and pessimism.

Have a rewarding 2009, everywhere you are, whoever you are.