March reflection

Wow March.

After 30days of staring at the same picture, I am usually glad to be able to flip my calendar for a new picture! To trade in the two cartoon giraffes drinking lemonade to a seagull was absolutely cool! I mean, you lift up the calendar page and THERE IS THE SEAGULL FOR THIS MONTH!

Yet at the same time this little excitement is accompanied by a solemn astonishment.

March. Wow.

A friend of mine has to do a personal development report every 6 months for his organization: what have been learnt, what is good, what is bad, what is different, what should be changed, what how and why. Unfortunately my limited goldfish memory does not stretch that long, which is why I specifically intended to write somethings down today before it flew up like a helium bubble in a hot, breezy Summer afternoon.

Yes how I long for Summer and sun. Yesterday there was a storm here in Western Europe. The day I can ditch my jeans for shorts; cant decide to call it liberation or salvation.

On a more solemn mood. If I had to describe these first months of 2010, I'll say... Roller coaster. I think I'll call it so. A roller coaster ride, I like the resemblance. It's incredibly quick, scary, it goes from up to down to up to down at some remarkable speed, yet completely exhilirating. Remember those concise moments, when you are at the highest point and you know seconds later you will start diving down? Remember the feeling, the ticklish feeling in your stomach, the sensation of air being suspended for the briefest period? Next thing you know you're freefalling and in your head all you do is curse yourself WHY DID YOU GET ON THIS ROLLER COASTER YOU FREAKING DODO YOU HATE ROLLER COASTERS.

I do, I am scared of roller coasters and height.

Yet sometimes I am glad I took the ride, for that first 5 minutes when you are back on solid ground and all you want to do is kneel and kiss the ground. Complete gratitude, that's what I usually experience once my trembling jello feet leaves that seat of terror.

Which is what I am feeling at the moment.

I have to admit now that it hasnt always been easy. Life was hectic, to say the least. Juggling between teaching, writing, presenting, reading, studying and friends requires the skillfull art of a clown circus which I clearly did not possess. Not even close. But it has been a learning process, and looking back now I can say that a part of me is simply relieved it's done. Another part is ambivalent; life surely goes fast when you're running. A blur; an aching, demanding, rewarding motion of blur.

Teaching has been absolutely lovely. I am actually rather surprised how much I enjoyed teaching those little monsters. Regardless of waking up to teach at 9 in the morning twice a week, missing two of my own lectures, having to read and learn the course with them. I wanted to help them, perhaps thats why I took it slightly too seriously. I would read the chapter, my notes, going back and forth and asking myself how can I explain this clearly to my students. How can I motivate them to work, how can I make sure they feel comfortable asking questions during class, how to be strict at times yet being myself at other times.

I purposely did not tell my first year students that I was a second year student myself. I thought it added credibility. Yet at the end when they found out my real identity, I am utterly glad they did not become bitches. Maybe because they were bitches from the start. Yet I have to say I truly enjoyed teaching those bitches. They were my bitches.

During our last tutorial, they came up to me one by one and said: "Thank you, Denica." My heart melted like butter in the microwave when baking cakes. That weekend, I received emails from my students. At that moment, everything evaporated. All the burden, all the stressing and fussing and freaking vanished. All that is left was a solemn little smile. It was a nice feeling indeed, the feeling of being able to help and somewhat of use to someone.

Thank you, guys. You've been a good sport. Some moments are honestly funny it still cracks me up when I think about it.

Oh wait. The sun is shining today.

Wow.

Sometimes little things work out in wondrous yet strange ways. I guess there will always be storms, with wind so hard you thought you can surely never make it. Yet remembering that the sun will shine tomorrow might help you through. Slightly. I for once found it sometimes cumbersome, and cliche to think of things this way when I am downhill. I tend to get sucked into it, you see. But it's a learning process. And one day I wish for the ability to be able to see through the mist and straight to the rainbows.

Maybe when I am 20. Which is actually sooner rather than later. Wow. Now, that's scary.