How strange it is for one can feel at home when someone is around, regardless of the geographical location? When the country, the flat that you call home for 2 years suddenly become where you wish you are not in.

The train rides were pleasant, quiet but pleasant. I had hoped that silence would prepare one's self to be away from another. I hoped and hoped. As the train drove along the Rhine, through the mountains and little houses on the river banks, I had to stop myself from looking, for I know there is nothing but an empty chair next to me.

Everything reminds me of you. The walk back from the station, the short trip to do groceries, even a casual visit to the post office. I came home to an empty flat filled with memories, with things as the way we had left it before our trip. Everything seemed to be the same but I know it is not.

At that point, one's brain decided to rationalize. To pack the day with chores, anything to occupy one's brain as not to think. But can one really do that, can one truly exclude memories that kept on shoving itself back to one's mind? I think it's possible, yet dissapointed at the gap between how strong I would like to be and how strong I actually am.

Perhaps it was self-defense, that my brain started to lay down the facts. That we are not that far from each other, that it is only temporary and surely we will have the time of our lives in our respective countries. Rationalizing is what one is trained to do, yet for once emotions hold one captive for the time being.

I wanted to get some cheese and saw a pack of mini-mozarellas. I turned, but there was noone grinning, hinting his explicit love for those soft cheese balls.

I wrote, watched TV, read, ate, laughed, talked, smiled, unpacked, packed, cleaned. But just as I thought that I am OK, that the worst is over did it start again. The longing, the gripping feeling of homesickness.

Is it possible for one to be homesick not to one's home, but to someone that makes one feels at home? Is so, can one still call it homesickness? Or is it mere exagerations, simple tricks one's mind falls for when blinded by emotions? Of missing someone and wishing that one can wake up, stretch one's arm to realize that the other is still sleeping soundly even when it's time to be awake?

It feels like a disease. A disease evoked by certain details, certain images and memories. It took hold of one's heart, making it feel like some part is missing, a little part of void.

I will be stronger. I want to be stronger. Bit by bit, I'll try to bridge that gap and hopefully learn something from this. Because I believe that life goes on. On it goes, and oh how wonderful it is and will always be.

Du fehlst mir.

Danke.