I had a dream last night. I dreamt of coming home. Like any other dreams that I had, it does not have any plot or any coherency. Just fragments. Sometimes they make sense, mostly they dont. Just fragments. Peripherial. Sometimes when I woke up, when my eyes opened slowly after hours of resting, I would lie there in the warmth of my blanket trying to make sense of it. Making sense of the fragments, and most of the time I realize there is nothing to make sense of. It's just a dream, mere fragments of apparitions.
I dreamt of coming home last night. Of being home, being slow and useless. Of flying back at the end of the stay.
--
When I heard your news this morning, when I walked in my half-awake state into my living room to realize there's an email from you, I was speechless. Quietness haunted me the whole day. I did not know what to think. I did not know what to say. I did not know what to do.
What struck me the most is the tragedy of how something can be a dream yet a nightmare on another occassion.
I'm horribly, tremendously and heart-achingly sorry, my dear.
The only thing I'm sorrier about is not being able to be there and hug you.
I dont know what to say, unfortunately I do not know any religious consoling sentences in this matter. Or any matter, truth be told. But I don't think you would like to hear them to begin with.
I will not ask you how you are for I believe that is a stupid question. I will not say that I know how you feel and this too shall pass because I do not know how you feel nor do I have the slightest idea.
All I can say is that I love you, and I am here for you no matter what.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Mandeville
Yesterday was a special day for my university. We had the pleasure to present the former CEO of a multinational with a laureate for his achievements (also because he graduated from here). I was chosen from my HC to prepare a presentation to introduce and welcome him in the masterclass he gave before his acceptance ceremony. Man saying I was nervous cannot suffice in describing how shaky my feet were. Or how jumpy my heart was. At times I had to squeeze someone's hand just to breathe.
When my program coordinator signalled for me to go up, I stopped thinking. I smiled and started talking. As I was standing up there, everything was so clear. I can hear my heart thump like a frightened bunny, my heels slightly shaking.
I loved every second of it. The anxiety. The cold (shaking) feet. The fear. The jumping nerves. The adrenaline rushing as you push yourself outside your box.
When people start coming up to you to congratulate you, even the CEO, you cannot help but think how it was all worth it.
After the ceremony, we proceeded to this yacht club to have dinner. It was an incredibly beautiful weather. I had the pleasure to sit next to some exceptional people, and was astounded in the best possible way to talk and discuss matters with them. I love these kinds of conversations, the ones that when they end makes you start thinking.
The place was classically beautiful, everyone was dressed in suits, clearly enjoying and conversing with others on their respective tables. I looked through the large glass windows, straight to the docks. The sun was shining, but it wasnt scorching. It was light, like a kiss on the waters.
At that point I thought to myself, damn this is one good day.
When my program coordinator signalled for me to go up, I stopped thinking. I smiled and started talking. As I was standing up there, everything was so clear. I can hear my heart thump like a frightened bunny, my heels slightly shaking.
I loved every second of it. The anxiety. The cold (shaking) feet. The fear. The jumping nerves. The adrenaline rushing as you push yourself outside your box.
When people start coming up to you to congratulate you, even the CEO, you cannot help but think how it was all worth it.
After the ceremony, we proceeded to this yacht club to have dinner. It was an incredibly beautiful weather. I had the pleasure to sit next to some exceptional people, and was astounded in the best possible way to talk and discuss matters with them. I love these kinds of conversations, the ones that when they end makes you start thinking.
The place was classically beautiful, everyone was dressed in suits, clearly enjoying and conversing with others on their respective tables. I looked through the large glass windows, straight to the docks. The sun was shining, but it wasnt scorching. It was light, like a kiss on the waters.
At that point I thought to myself, damn this is one good day.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Dinner was hillarious. Invited some friends over tonight to catch up and eat, my jaws and abs still suffer from it.
You remember when you were little and you would hear this joke which is absolutely not funny when you think about it later but at that point all you want to do is wrap it up with ribbons and live with it forever and ever? When you laughed so hard, unabashedly and uncontrollably, that you had to gasp for breath in between laughters? When your abs hurt from so much laughing yet the fact that it hurts because of this joke makes you laugh even more.
This makes me realize how much time has passed since I had that. And it feels good to relive it.
You remember when you were little and you would hear this joke which is absolutely not funny when you think about it later but at that point all you want to do is wrap it up with ribbons and live with it forever and ever? When you laughed so hard, unabashedly and uncontrollably, that you had to gasp for breath in between laughters? When your abs hurt from so much laughing yet the fact that it hurts because of this joke makes you laugh even more.
This makes me realize how much time has passed since I had that. And it feels good to relive it.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
We went to Antwerpen for the day last weekend. Had absolutely no plan, so we ended up sitting below the Magnolia tree in this beautiful botanical garden after a stroll down the pier.
The cool sensation of the grass
rubbed against your bare feet
The touch of the sunlight
warm against your skin
Time pushes you to run
in its playful wheel
But for that moment
it seemed like even time stood still
Surrendering to the soft breeze of Spring
tickles
Monday, April 12, 2010
D...
...is 20 and happy. Thank you, loved ones.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Espresso and Pearls
I went to this little espresso bar near my house this morning - a little routine that kinda grew on me when I need some time alone. I love the smell of their freshly brewed espresso, the perfect companion for my reading time. You know what's also really nice? To just look outside the window at everything. Things kinda stood still for the time being; people running and biking, cars rushing but here you are safe and sound with a steaming puny espresso cup on your hand.
I continued reading.
Some time later, a lady asked me whether it is OK for her to sit next to me. I smiled and said of course! She reminded me of Nanny McPhee, the pretty version ;) She sat down, munched her caramel brownie, stirred her cappucino. She wanted to ask the barista for some kaneel (cinnamon), but he didnt hear her so I called him for her. She continued munching her kaneel-dusted caramel brownies.
Finally she asked me: Were you born on April or August?
I was surprised. April, I answered. How did you know?
She smiled. I knew it.
That was that. We spent the next hour chatting about happiness, the lack of it, the joy of having it. These little happiness, these little moments of connection, she said, is what is precious. It's just like these little pearls. She pointed at her pearl necklace. These. These are what makes it all worthwhile.
I was looking at old pictures just now and I realized just how far I've gone. I'm turning 20 tomorrow. Scared? You bet. Excited? Definitely. Somber? Yes.
Time really flies doesnt it?
People grow old, bigger, richer, apart. People run, I run, through life. Running to somewhere I hope is my purpose, somewhere that I hope can fill my life with meaning. Birthdays make me realize I'm also running out of time, for yet another year has passed. It makes me realize that it's alright to take a walk down the harbour and just let the scenery sink in. That it's alright to sit down and talk to someone for hours despite the lingering deadlines. For connection is what ultimately defines us.
I'm counting my little pearls. Slowly and carefully.
I continued reading.
Some time later, a lady asked me whether it is OK for her to sit next to me. I smiled and said of course! She reminded me of Nanny McPhee, the pretty version ;) She sat down, munched her caramel brownie, stirred her cappucino. She wanted to ask the barista for some kaneel (cinnamon), but he didnt hear her so I called him for her. She continued munching her kaneel-dusted caramel brownies.
Finally she asked me: Were you born on April or August?
I was surprised. April, I answered. How did you know?
She smiled. I knew it.
That was that. We spent the next hour chatting about happiness, the lack of it, the joy of having it. These little happiness, these little moments of connection, she said, is what is precious. It's just like these little pearls. She pointed at her pearl necklace. These. These are what makes it all worthwhile.
I was looking at old pictures just now and I realized just how far I've gone. I'm turning 20 tomorrow. Scared? You bet. Excited? Definitely. Somber? Yes.
Time really flies doesnt it?
People grow old, bigger, richer, apart. People run, I run, through life. Running to somewhere I hope is my purpose, somewhere that I hope can fill my life with meaning. Birthdays make me realize I'm also running out of time, for yet another year has passed. It makes me realize that it's alright to take a walk down the harbour and just let the scenery sink in. That it's alright to sit down and talk to someone for hours despite the lingering deadlines. For connection is what ultimately defines us.
I'm counting my little pearls. Slowly and carefully.
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